Life is hard...my abs are not.

2012-01-30T07:31:00.000-08:00

I had a really great weekend :) Saturday I went to get my nails done and the ladies at the salon could tell that I had lost weight! I don't go there THAT often, maybe once every two months or so but wow. Cool :) Also, I threw my hubby a surprise party, and almost everyone who came over said something to me. It's kind of cool that people are starting to notice. I hadn't heard anyone say anything up until this weekend, so that was kind of nice.

I'm also trying to keep up with some progress pics. I have a pink/white polka dot bikini I want to wear (it needs some modifications before I can wear it in public, but I would like to one day!). So when I was 10 lbs heavier in December, I took a picture of me in it. Front, back, and face. Yesterday afternoon I did the same thing. And I'm really surprised to say that there is a noticeable difference! Especially in my face, but I tend to lose weight there first. But that was nice. And kind of exciting.

My weight might be all over the place this week. I'm going to Hawaii on Saturday, so Friday I have to weigh-in and record it. I have been thinking a lot about my trip. I don't want to undo all my progress on the trip. I don't want to overeat and feel bad. I'm excited I'm going to hawaii and am going to be looking good. But I don't want to come back and be heavier, because that will be discouraging. I have no idea what my meals will be like when I'm out there. I do know that I am bringing healthy snacks for the flights, and I'm planning to try to stick to smaller portions while I'm there. We'll be going to restaurants a fair amount so I'll try to get healthier options when I can.

I have a busy week ahead but it's going to be a very good one. I'm feeling great about my meal plan and workout plan. My muscles are a little wobbly after a great workout this morning again where I learned to use some new machines in different ways. It's going to be a good week :)

2012-01-25T04:53:00.001-08:00

Wow. Just had training appt 3. Doing well still. He had me do this TRX stuff, which looks kind of intimidating. It's pretty much a rack with two straps. No weights or anything. You use your body weight as resistance. I think it's called suspension training. If I was in the gym by myself, there's no way you'd see me using that on my own. And today I was a little nervous because there is a class on Wednesdays that uses like the whole front row of treadmills so of course, there were like 10 people watching me do this. But I think I did well and I feel good about it. This time around, I am really finding myself looking forward to working out with jack. He is very encouraging and I'm feeling really good about it.

Also some good news... Well, trainer jack pulled out photocopies of my old measurements from when I trained with him in 2010. Eek! I almost said ummm no, I don't want to see it! But... He took new measurements of me today, and a few were smaller than the ones he had then. I don't understand. I weighed 10 lbs less!! Not one measurement was more. I don't get it. Maybe it's the dancing, but wow. Seriously. I almost don't buy it but there it was. I'm not going to complain though. Let's just see where I am at in a few months :) he says not to worry about the number on the scale, the measurements and how you look are where it's at.

And I'm really starting to look good :) I wore my size 13 khakis that I haven't in a year or so since they were just too tight. Wore those yesterday and they are fitting much better.

Official weigh in on Friday.

2012-01-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

Wow. I just have so much going on and not enough time to update about it!

Today I had my second training session! Wahoo! It's been going great. Last Friday was my first session and we did weighs, abs, and full body! I felt like I had been hit by a train on Saturday. I seriously could not move my arms above my head. Today, we did a 12 minute test (after about 20 mins of just walking and warming up), which was a run/walk on the treadmill. Run for a minute, walk for a minute. And FAST walking, I'm talking 4mph. This also includes a 1 minute cooldown at the end (although it was a fast walking cooldown), then I walked for 3 more minutes at a much slower speed. I nearly got to 1 mile in 12 minutes. He was surprised and thought I would have only gotten to 0.8. Well, go me, I guess! We'll redo the test in a few weeks to see my progress.

Trainer Jack also didn't believe that I weighed as much as I do. "You're 195?? I don't think so!" He said he would have guessed 175. HA! You wouldn't recognize me at 175, I would look so different. But thats a good thing I guess. When I was 155-165, I was getting pretty small. So maybe I don't have all that long to go after all.

I'm glad I'm getting personal training. I SO did not want to get to the gym this morning. And waking up at 4:45 is NOT easy. But I did it, because there's someone waiting there for me to help make me better. I, of course, felt awesome afterward and am so glad I am going and doing this. I'm excited to see my results in just a few weeks.

I know I have tons more to write about but it will have to wait for now. I think once I get back from hawaii and get into a groove life will feel less hectic :)

2012-01-19T09:01:00.000-08:00

Looking forward to my yummy salad in a few minutes!!

Last night I was really thinking that I am such an idiot for signing up for training again. What was I thinking? Augh! I always get into weird frames of mind right before bed. This morning I woke up and I am excited about getting back into it. I know it will be good for me. I'm nervous, like last time, that I won't be able to keep up but I feel like I have a better idea of what to expect at least.

Work has had me so frustrated and stressed out over the past week or so. Having my meals planned and not having to decide what to eat has actually been very helpful lately. I absolutely cannot wait for hawaii. I need a vacation so badly right now. It can't come fast enough.

I was starting to get a little discouraged last night that there hasn't been a change on the scale. So I didn't weigh myself today, and I may wait a few days to do so again. So my official weigh in might be late this week. Maybe I will give myself time to get into the swing of things with personal training. Last time, the pounds melted off. Seriously. But I worked my arse off for that to happen. I'm sure it will be just as effective, if not more so, this time around. Especially now that my eating is finally on the right track!!

Well. Tonight I'm going to prepare myself for the beating I'll get at 6am tomorrow. Hopefully I'll survive. If not, it was nice knowing you! Haha. Kind of glad I'm starting on a Friday so I have the weekend to recover!!!

2012-01-18T04:56:00.000-08:00

What a crazy few weeks!!! Work has just been insane. Seriously. I can't wait for vacation.

Monday I joined a second dance troupe. Well, auditioned. Next Monday I will be officially a member, I think. So I need to step up my game.

This week I have been continuing to eat great and stick to my meal plans. I'm loving it. It doesn't feel like a diet. I'm not hungry. I'm not craving or wanting to binge on stuff anymore. Those thoughts have entered my mind less and less.

However...there has been no real change to the scale since Friday. Friday!!! I think this is a plateau. When I lost weight in high school I lost 50 lbs over a summer. I hit a damn plateau every 10 lbs. according to the scale, I am 10 lbs down. So it makes sense. Sometimes it helped to eat more calories. But exercise was I think what helped the most. I need to change up my routine at the gym. I need to push myself harder. I need to be doing different things.

This morning, I saw trainer jack. I've been avoiding him honestly. I've been gym shy. I am going, but I'm probably not getting the workout I should because I'm a pansy. I think everyone is looking at me and judging me. I KNOW that's not the case. But I feel unworthy to be there. When I was with trainer jack, I was still embarrassed, but I had a purpose.

Well I did something....I went ahead and signed up for more sessions. 24 30 minute sessions, twice a week so 12 weeks of Monday and Wednesday. I will workout on my own Friday. I could do 3 times a week with him, and may after Hawaii. He gave me a discount on the sessions too which was nice.

I think I need the push. This will be very helpful to get back into it. And apparently he has some new certification so he we will be doing some new and different things.

My muscles are going to hate me for a few days. Especially this weekend. We start Friday at 6 am. Early. But it will be so good for me in the long run. I will hate being super out of breath, I will hate it for a while. I will hate myself for doing this for a while. But oh man, I'm going to look good. And I will keep up with it this time around.

And I need to switch it up and break through this.

18 days in. 4.6 lbs down from last week

2012-01-13T03:23:00.000-08:00

So my weight did weird things this week, which I know is something I'm going to see if I weigh myself every day. I was going along, seeing a nice loss each morning, to 196.6...then it went up to 198, stayed there for two days, and this morning came down to 197.4. I've been sticking to my meal plan all week and eating the same stuff so that's not been a problem. Maybe my body is just adjusting to this?

It doesn't -really- matter, since there is an overall loss of 4.6 lbs since last week. I'll take it and like it! As long as I'm seeing a loss (even a small one), that's good enough for me.

It's been an insane week. For some reason, work just got ridiculous this week. I've been so busy I can't think straight. I hope next week will be better. I really need for vacation to get here soon! 22 days!

TODAY, though, I have a nice gap in my day where I plan to get to the gym. I'm looking forward to it, actually. It should be a nice stress reliever, I definitely need it today. I'm gonna try some different socks and hopefully I wont have the issue with my heels again :/

Anyway...time to get moving. Busy morning!

GOAL FOR NEXT WEEK? 196. If my weight loss is slowing down, that's ok! I will set this reasonable goal and adjust as necessary!!

2012-01-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I bought new gym shoes. My old ones were...well, old. Really old. My mom bought them for me a long time ago, and she died in 2009 so I've had them for a *long* time. I like them, but they are getting worn out.

So I picked out a new pair of Nikes at shoe carnival. They're my favorite color blue and were really comfy when I tried them on. But when I wore them at the gym the first time, they really rubbed the back of my heels pretty badly. They're the right size, any larger and they would be too big, but maybe they just need to be broken in? I'm a little concerned. I guess it could have been a combination of that and the new socks, but I don't want to have to wear band aids on my heels every time I go run in them!

Tonight I'm trying a chicken stir fry recipe! Looking forward to seeing how it turns out :)

In good news, my work shirts feel like they are fitting better. I have 4 of them in one size, one in a size smaller and one in two sizes smaller. The 4 were JUST starting to get a little uncomfortable (but still fit) around the holidays but they're starting to feel looser and back to normal now. I'm so happy!!

I always have things to say in here but I am in a huge rush, work is crazy today. Gotta go!

Day 14

2012-01-09T05:50:00.000-08:00

I am on a roll!!

Motivation has been a little tough in the evenings on some nights. Usually when I'm at home. I think it's because I'm so used to eating when I'm at home. Just eating whatever. So when I'm at home playing a game or watching a movie, my mind wanders to food. Even when I'm not hungry! But I have not given in. I'm glad I'm breaking this habit.

When I would try to lose weight before, I used the weekends as cheat days. Well, NO MORE! When I did that, it would set back my progress and I had to spend the rest of the week undoing the damage I did over the weekend. Sometimes it wasn't so bad and I still lost weight overall but I wasn't changing my habits permanently. I'm not doing that this time. I'm looking to make a lifestyle change.

But the crazy thing is...I don't even feel like I'm dieting. It's so weird. I have plenty to eat and I am not really hungry. And when I start to get hungry, I look at my meal plan and it's usually time for a snack or meal. I can definitely keep this up, it almost feels easy.

Today tribal dance practice starts up again. I'm back to dancing 2 nights a week, and next week it will be 3. Plus going to the gym. I've been practicing my routines after my workout at the gym and it's a lot of fun. I really enjoy it. It makes me look forward to going. I think I'm going to make that a permanent part of my time at the gym, since it's fun!!

Well...time for work. I'm looking forward to seeing what this week will bring!!

Yay!

2012-01-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a long day! Two performances, 3pm and 7pm, about 2 hours away from home. Drove down with my duet partner and we had a blast! Here's what my eating was like:

-Usual breakfast of eggs and orange in the morning
-Nuts, apple for a snack
-Lots of water!!

This was before the 3pm show and I was doing fine, hunger wise. After the show all the dancers went out to a restaurant and I am proud to report I stuck to my plan. I ordered a garden salad with lots of yummy stuff, and it was delicious and filling. It helped that my dance buddies are doing weight watchers and were also ordering healthy stuff. But I'm glad I got the salad, it was yummy!!

The evening show was catered and I ended up having one piece of cheese and some chicken thing during intermission. I did very well yesterday, wasn't hungry, and I am proud of myself! I could have easily gotten a burger or something for dinner, but I didn't. I stuck to my plan and am so glad I did.

I also feel really good about how the performances went. I'm really excited to see my progress this year. This weight loss will make me feel so much more confident. It already is. I've watched performances of myself on days when I'm not feeling confident and I'm not pleased. I'm so excited - 2012 is going to be amazing for my dancing!

Also...the scale is even lower this morning at 198.0. I'm really starting to get excited now. It's really happening!! I'm trying not to get too excited because I know that I may not always see a loss even when I think there should definitely be one, and I'll need to not get discouraged when that happens, but I will enjoy this feeling for today. And hope to see 197 something tomorrow.

Time for some breakfast!

2012-01-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

The scale said 199.6 this morning! Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

I must have had a lot of water weight last week. Because that's 8lbs in less than 2 weeks. I don't forsee experiencing that kind of drastic difference again. It must have been a lot of water weight. Not complaining though : ) That little boost is really nice.

I'm learning a lot this time around with weight loss. I've cut down on a lot of carbs, and am eating more protein and healthy fats. I'm not afraid of fats. I'm eating more meat. Researching different diets makes me realize that they aren't for me though. Keeping my calories to a minimum and exercising is enough. I was looking at the r/keto stuff and really, I don't ever want to cut out bread or pasta or cake. Sorry. I think it's great for people who do that but I don't think that's necessary. I can live a healthy lifestyle with that stuff, just in moderation. Maybe one day I will feel differently but not right now.

This week has been really great for me. I'm feeling less hungry throughout the day than when I started, and I'm really enjoying the healthy stuff I've been eating. The past few days my energy has been up and I've been feeling -good!- I think the balanced diet really helps.

Well...I'm not sure if the scale is just going crazy but I might just need to set a new goal for next week. I'd like to see how tomorrow goes before I set a number though.

Also! Today I have two dance performances. It will be a challenging day calorie wise and I think we'll be going out to dinner inbetween performances, so I'm not sure what I"ll be having. I am loading up on healthy snacks and am going to try to keep my mind off food for the majority of the day (shouldnt be too hard, considering I'll be busy dancing!) and I need to make sure that I keep my goals in mind when we go to eat and I am presented with lots of options.

I want to succeed!

Weekly goal achieved!

2012-01-06T06:49:00.000-08:00

Next week's goal: 200. I'd like to see myself bypass it.

I wonder if I can make 190 by hawaii. That's 12 lbs away. I leave in 4 weeks from tomorrow. Think I can do it? That's 3 lbs a week. I think I can!!!

Feeling good

2012-01-05T05:57:00.000-08:00

Breakfast this morning:

The orange goes to work with me.
There is a full glass of water, one whole egg and one egg white scrambled, and two pieces of bacon cooked on my hanging bacon thing for the microwave (makes less greasy bacon!). Oh and a multivitamin.

I'm not going to keep posting my meals because they're just about the same every day. I might change a little up here and there but I have found a meal plan that works for me and keeps me satisfied and not hungry!!

I had a great day yesterday and am feeling really good today. The scale today said...203.6! yay! Wonder what it will say tomorrow. It will be my official weigh in so I'll be recording it and placing it on the graph. Looking forward to it : )

But I do mean it when I say I'm feeling good. Yeah water weight blah blah blah but I am seeing a 4 lb difference on the scale since last tuesday. That's good news :) And makes me feel happy. I feel better, even though its only been a little over a week and am looking better. I feel smaller. Even just a tiny bit. And I'm feeling pretty motivated today!! Last night I set myself a reminder in my phone that I have a goal for the week. To see 203 on the scale tomorrow. Well maybe I'll see 202 something at this rate, but that was a good motivation for last night. I wasn't going to mess up but if I even thought about it, I would have gotten the reminder and hopefully re-thought my plan.

Last year I tried to send myself motivational e-mails and reminders and they didn't work. Ever. Strange, huh? But I think I'm really on to something with this end of week goal. That's the number I want to see on the scale. Or, that's the number I have to see on the scale. I'll need to keep in mind that plateaus can happen and if I don't see that number, it's ok, but maybe it will help keep my motivation up to think about what I have to work towards in the short term. We'll see how it goes!

Tonight, Thursday night troupe practice starts back up. It will be good to get that extra movement during the week again. I know that has helped keep weight off. Plus, umm, I love it! Next week, Tribal starts again, and the week after I will (hopefully) join a second troupe. It will be an active dance year for me. Good stuff!

Anyway, time to go eat my orange!

2012-01-04T05:37:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I had some chocolate dessert thing after dinner. It likely put me over my calorie goal for the day. I know these things will happen every once in a while so I'm not really terribly worried. This is a lifestyle change. I will still have things like this every once in a while in life.

I am, however, a little worried about the scale this morning. Although I know shouldn't be. I have today and tomorrow to get through before Friday's weigh in. I think posting a picture of the scale is really helping my accountability and motivation. But it's making me a little anxious. What if there isn't a loss?

When I first weighed myself Tuesday last week, it was 207 ish. On Friday for my "official" weigh in, it was 204 (after hopping on and off the scale a few times as I posted). I'm not recording any official weight until Friday and I'm trying to keep that in mind but this morning the scale was 205. I will say I am on my shark week and my weight is usually up at this time so I shouldn't worry too much today. And I did exceed my calorie goal a little yesterday. AND I'm sure it will be lower than expected on Friday. If the scale says 203 then, I'll be happy! Any lower is just even better. But I wouldn't be surprised, given my past. As long as I stick to my calorie goals in the evening until then, I'll be good to go.

I know I really shouldn't be worrying so much about what the scale says. It's just a number. Whatever happens Friday, I will try to keep in mind that it did say 207 last week and it surely won't this week, or hopefully ever again.

You know, that's a good short term goal that's in sight! I may see 203 on Friday. Maybe lower. Maybe my shark week has me retaining lots of water like it usually does and I'll see lower than 200, or maybe not. Maybe I can even get the scale to 200 or lower NEXT week...That will feel great. I think I'll be so happy to go down past 200 again. I'm so close! I think once I get into the 190s, I'm really going to feel like I'm doing this thing. Especially after being at 200 for nearly a whole year. It will feel so good. And don't even get me started on the 180s. That's stlll a ways off but will be amazing too. I can't even imagine what it will be like to get into the 170s and 160s. But it can happen.

Right now, let's focus on 203. That's my goal for the short term! Looking forward to seeing you, 203!! Maybe I'll see you tomorrow? Friday? Saturday? I know you're close...

2012-01-03T05:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I had a good weekend and day off. Yesterday was tough, actually. I was at home for a good bit of the day. Hubby and I watched hockey, and I watched a few Netflix movies in the evening. And I was really craving everything. Part of that was hormones, but man. It was tough. I stuck to my calories though and did well, but it was hard. I'm glad life is getting busier with the new year because I think that will really help keep my mind focused and not on food.

I'm a little sore from the gym. Easing back into it has been great. I'm feeling good that I've been going consistently, even though it's just been a week. My workouts have been shorter than I'd like because I've been starting to feel a little icky when I'm there. I know the first time I started with trainer jack I thought I was going to pass out and throw up. It didn't happen, and I haven't felt that awful this time around, though I was feeling a little nauseous my first day back last week. I guess that means I'm pushing myself hard enough? But I can still do much better. I feel good about easing into it though. I'd like to be back up to where I was before, able to run at 7 or 8 mph for short bursts. That was awesome.

I think a good thing for me is to challenge myself a bit each week. I've been keeping track of stuff on fitocracy, but it's still in beta apparently and I can't really keep track of my interval training. Maybe I just need to bring a notebook again or something. It also doesn't keep track of all my exercises. I need to play around with it.

Off for a successful day. I think it will be a very good week.

2012-01-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

Back from the gym and stinky!

ha : )

I'm getting over my gym shyness, slowly. I'm really thankful for the women's only area in the back. I feel good there. Though I still feel a little self conscious around some of the really fit girls in there, but I just have to just keep trying to pretend that I'm in my own little box and nobody can see me.

Friday I didn't have the courage to run. I felt like I looked horrible, I was wearing a baggy shirt and just didn't feel good, but I did do my uphill walking. Today I ran. I am feeling more confident than I was Friday.

I'm going to keep today's post short and sweet because I have a lot I want to get done. I plan to stay pretty active today. Practicing dance, cleaning up the house, and running around. :)

Ugh!

2011-12-31T11:07:00.000-08:00

Warning, possible TMI for guys!

Man, I am bloated today. It's almost that time of the month for me and I usually gain 2-6 lbs. So, because of this, I'm a little excited to see where I will be next week, weight wise, but I feel gigantic. After a week of eating well and exercising and sticking to my diet, that kind of sucks...BUT I think this time next week I will be feeling amazing!!

Now...

I ended up having an extra slice of pizza last night with dinner. I shouldn't have, but justified it with thinking that I have a successful week ahead, which I do. But that's not good. I didn't stick to my plan and that's not OK. Yeah it will happen from time to time and I didn't binge or anything (which is good!). But that's, I think, what happened over the last year, and last few months especially. I would eat horribly, then think, meh, I will start eating well Monday. I think a lot of people do that. Then, Monday came and I just didn't make an effort. And before, I just realized, usually when I would slip up on a diet, I would just say screw it, the day is shot anyway, and binge. I didn't last night. I didn't even indulge in dessert afterwards, even though those frosted cupcakes were sitting right in front of me. Go me! *fist pump*

So I will take it as a learning experience. It was freaking delicious but that extra slice really wasn't worth it. It was yummy for a few minutes, then it was gone and that's that.

SO today I will simply do better! My plan is healthy snacks throughout the day, but we're having Olive Garden catering for lunch/dinner in about an hour (3pm-ish). We're having ravioli w/sauce, salad, breadsticks and cheese fonduta. I'm skipping the cheese fonduta, having a small serving of ravioli, and LOTS Of salad. because it's low calorie, good for me and delicious. I will fill up on salad.

Olive garden salad ROCKS, I am so excited to eat some. I don't care about the pasta or anything else. Just gimme the salad!! It's all in the dressing, really. It's a delicious Italian dressing (80 cals for 2 tbsp). I got myself an extra bottle for my salads this week. I'm excited!

SO that's good. I also got some healthy snacks for the evening. I'm going to put out a plate of grapes, apple slices, carrots and celery. It will be a healthy new years eve : ) And successful, for me!!

My motivation today? Tomorrow is 2012!! Wow. I want to make 2012 a great year :)

Face the scale!

2011-12-30T04:58:00.000-08:00

It's Friday and that means my first FRESH weigh in.

Today, I woke up and got on the scale. I was looking forward to it. I've done so well this week and resisted a lot of temptation (more on that in a bit) and I'm eating great!

So I got on the scale and at first it said 206.4 or something. I sighed but accepted it as my start weight. I knew it would be higher than I'd like and there it was. So I went downstairs and realized, OH YEAH I promised myself a picture. SO I went back upstairs to weigh myself again for a picture and it was ... 204.0. Well, I'm not going to complain. And I know how finicky the scale can be but I wasn't expecting that. But no matter! So there's my starting weight. I updated my skinnyr chart. It's a fresh start. And when I zoom out of the graph and have it display from Oct 2009 to now, the trend is still downward : ) I'll take it!

Temptation struck last night when I got home. It always seems to do that when I get home. Maybe it's the environment. Home is my haven where I can binge and nobody cares. But I didn't. I -really- wanted one of the brownies I made last weekend that I put on the top of the fridge to hopefully forget about them. They aren't even that good. I asked my hubby if he wanted any, he said no, so I promptly threw them away and forgot about them. Yay. I have some other sweet stuff from Christmas but nothing I really want. I might throw it all away anyway unless the hubby wants it.

As I mentioned, today and this weekend will present unique challenges dinnerwise. I just have to be careful.

Tonight I'm going to the in-laws. I think they're having pizza. That's fine, I just need to limit my portions and eat right the rest of the day and I'll be fine. I looked it up online and 2 slices should be around 400 calories. Well, that sounds low so I think I'll say two small slices is around 500 calories. And that's about all I can have. Which is fine, it will be enough.

I kind of like challenges like this. I want to make this a lifestyle change and I can't bring a lunchbox everywhere I go. I want to be able to incorporate meals like this into my meal plan. And still lose/maintain weight.

Today my breakfast/lunch schedule will be:
Breakfast: eggs, orange 200
Snack: Banana 100
Lunch: Grilled chicken + salad + nuts = 540
Snack before dinner: apple = 100

I'm gonna make myself some grilled chicken for lunch, since I'm working from home today : )
And that plan should leave me enough calories for dinner. I'll limit my portions and won't indulge in dessert (They ALWAYS have dessert).

Today's motivation: Hawaii!!
Did I mention I'm going with my girlfriends to Hawaii in 5 weeks from tomorrow? OMG! We are so excited : ) It's going to be an amazing adventure and yes, I want to look good when I go! Even if I don't look the best, I want to FEEL the best I can! Then after hawaii there's summer and all sorts of other stuff to keep my motivation going...

But today I want to think about Hawaii. I don't want to go and wish I had done something about my weight beforehand. I want to go and feel confident and happy. I will enjoy it more that way.

I also wanted to mention I've been reading up on Keto (reddit.com/r/keto). It's like Atkins from back in the day but with less carbs. My mom and I did Atkins a long time ago but it didn't last. This actually sounds like something I can do. And the more I read about it, the more it makes sense. I need to keep doing my research though. And if I do start it, I won't until after Hawaii. I know there will be carbs there and I want to enjoy this vacation that I spent a lot of money on. That being said, I do not plan to derail my healthy eating. There's no reason why I can't go and order healthy and low calorie options on the menu when we go out to eat. I totally can.

HAWAII 2012! I'll be going as a smaller (even just a little) and happier me!

2011-12-29T05:44:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's the day. I will weigh myself, post a pic, and it will be my starting weight. I'm starting FRESH. I can't be sidetracked by the fact that I've gained weight back and I'm losing it all over again. Those thoughts have been so destructive for me.

I have had a very successful week so far. Well, since Tuesday when I started anyway. OK, so it's going on 3 days now but if I can keep it up...

Last night I made an amazing dinner that was very healthy and low calorie. I think it's going to be something I make pretty often as it's easy and good, I'll just switch up the veggies I have. Basically, you just take chicken breast tenders, pound em with a meat tenderizer to flatten them a bit, then throw them into a nonstick skillet and cook them. When they're done, put olive oil over top of them, salt, ground pepper and a little lemon juice. It was so good!

Today my meal plan is pretty much the same as yesterday. In fact, I think this weekend I'll be making a plan for the week and I'll just stick to it. That will make shopping easier and all that. Plus, I am a creature of habit when it comes to meals. I'll have a different (or slightly different) meal for each day of the week and just stick to that week after week. Some days will be special. Like this weekend, I'm going to have meals at 3 different houses. I don't know what to expect and what kind of foods/calories will be involved, so I just need to be careful and snack before and limit my portions. Hopefully they won't be offended, but I have to do this.

My meal plans will also need to change as I continue to get more active and lose more weight.

Motivation for today: Finality. I don't know what happened in the past few months, but have been gaining weight back. I kept at 200 for most of the year but I have gained a few pounds above that since November. Part of me is like, WTF, how did this happen all of a sudden? But my eating has been pretty horrible and I haven't made any good effort to get it back in line before this week. It's been really bad. I kept telling myself I'd get back into it but I was eating horribly. And feeling really bad about myself too. Feeling like I just look horrible. Well, I don't look horrible, although I feel like I do sometimes.
I'm ready for that final change, the change that lasts forever. I'm feeling good this week. Having accountability is invaluable. I'm motivated and ready to do this. I will get my life back on track and feel good. And this week I am so proud of the healthy meals I'm making. It feels good and I am proud of what I'm eating. If someone asked me (and they have!) what my meal plan is for the week, I'm not ashamed or embarassed to tell them. Because it's something to be proud of. And as I learn more healthy recipes and foods I will continue to be happy and healthy and lose weight. I CAN do this for the rest of my life. It's been easy this week. I can do it! I WILL do it.

2011-12-28T06:14:00.000-08:00

Today:

Breakfast: Eggs, orange = 200
Snack: Banana = 100
Lunch: Salad w/turkey, cheese, tomatoes, dressing = 420
Snack: Apple = 100
Dinner: grilled chicken breasts w/olive oil and mixed veggies = 600

My motivation for the day is: choices.

I will do one of the following:

1) Continue to eat whatever I want. Enjoy the food for the moment and hate myself afterwards. Gain a bunch of weight. Disappoint myself.

2) Stick to my plan. Eat right. Feel good, healthy, happy. Thank myself.

It's really an easy choice when I think about that.

I had a successful day yesterday and hope I have many more to come. I feel good about it. Last night my hubby came home after 5 days away from me. I could have made us a big meal or gone to dinner, and I wanted to. But I stuck to my plan and am very happy I did.

I've gone back to eggs/egg whites in the morning. I'm scheduling more fruit snacks throughout the day. This helped me yesterday a lot, actually. Eggs and OJ after waking up, OJ around 9 and my banana around 10:30. I was able to hang on til 2, when I was finally able to have lunch. Sure, I was pretty hungry at 2 but that worked. This is something I want to continue to work on. Spreading meals/snacks throughout the day. Being hungry is usually when it's easy to say, screw it, I'll just eat whatever. If I'm not hungry, that chance is less likely.

On that note, I'm going to go have an Orange now :)

Complete Honesty

2011-12-27T06:43:00.000-08:00

I pledge to be completely honest about:
- What I eat each day
- When I screw up, When I succeed
- When I could have made a better choice
- What the scale / measurements say
- My exercise routine, and if I slacked or did better.

So here's my plan for the day. I am sending this information to a kind soul who has offered to hold me accountable, so I can't go home after the work day and eat something unhealthy (which was a problem last year, I would stick to the diet for the day then blow it in the evening). Not this time! I think this is really going to help. If I were to lie and say I stuck to my meal plan when I didn't, then I would be lying to this nice person who is taking time out of their day to help me. And that's just not cool. So thank you, accountability partner : ) I will be honest, even when I screw up.

About my diet: I know that 1200 calories/day works for me. That's how I lose weight. If I do a hard workout that day, I may eat an extra 100 or so. And when I plateau, I add a little more which helps bump me over. This has always worked for me and as long as I eat the right things, I'll do well.

In the past few months, other than salads, I haven't been getting many vegetables and I am going to work to change that. Sure I've gotten more than I used to, and I do take a supplement, but still I need more. One of my goals in 2012 is to eat more fresh or organic foods. I want to get away from cans, I want to get away from processed stuff. As a (formerly!) picky eater, this will still be challenging, but I can do it.

Meal plan for 12/27/12
Breakfast:
Two eggs (one egg white, one full egg), 100 calories
OJ, 110 calories
= 210

Mid morning snack:
OJ, 110 calories
Banana, 100 calories
= 210

Lunch:
Salad kit, 300 calories
Carrots and Hummus, 60 calories
Cheese stick, 120 calories
= 480

Dinner:
Vegetable Soup, 100 calories
(I need something else here)

Exercise Tonight?:
I'll be going to the gym tomorrow morning bright and early. As an added motivator, I might get up extra early to go to a gym that's a little further away, but is really nice. I'm a member of Gold's Gym and there is one about 15 minutes away and a bigger, nicer one one about 30 mins away. I don't usually go to the nicer one but I might give it a try tomorrow, for a little boost :)
Tonight, I'll be moving boxes of christmas stuff, ugh. And I am going to go over my audition dance routine for January a few times. I need to practice it, badly. Not the same as a gym workout, of course, but it's something.

I need something to add to my dinner menu. I didn't do a good job planning it. I need to add around 200-300 calories. I may have a small piece of bread to go with the soup. Suggestions welcome.

Hopefully I can update this blog daily. I'd like to think about my motivation when I do.
Today, my motivation will be: Results are addictive.
I don't want this to be all about the number on the scale. While that can show progress, it's not everything. I know that.
But I will admit that it is addictive to see results on the scale, or in measurements. Seeing that number go down is exciting, and makes me want to see it go down again the next day or week.
I will weigh myself once per week. Daily can be addictive, and it can also be disheartening. This has been a problem for me before, waiting a whole week to see my results, but I'm willing to try to see if I can hold off til Friday.
Friday I will update my skinnyr graph (top of my blog) and I will post a picture of the scale. Accountability. This number will be my official starting point for 2012.

It's been a long time.

2011-12-27T06:13:00.000-08:00

I would like to recap.

So 2010 was the year I lost about 40 lbs. I started in February or March-ish. I started by seeing a hypnotherapist. Say what you will, but I think he really helped me out a lot. I am a picky eater. Or, at least, was. Because of this, weight loss has had some pretty unique challenges for me.

Since hypnosis, I've changed a lot. I've always been a horribly picky eater. Since childhood. My parents had a rule - they never forced me to eat anything I didn't want to. It was great as a kid, but now I wish they had made me eat things I thought were icky. Maybe I wouldn't have the problems I do now. But I am an adult. I am 26 years old and I make my own choices and can't blame it on them anymore.

I started hypnosis at at least 230 lbs.

I used to be afraid of trying new things. I was afraid that most vegetables would make me throw up. Seriously. And sometimes they did. It sounds ridiculous, but it was (and still is to some extent) a struggle for me. However, I don't feel like I'm going to gag on new foods anymore. In fact, I really enjoy trying new things. I have added new favorite and enjoyable foods to my diet, which is pretty significant for me. Foods that I once would have never thought about trying I now enjoy.

Picky eating has been one of my biggest struggles in weight loss. I think hypnosis helped me at the very least realize my problem and my therapist helped me overcome it. I'm so grateful to him.

The rest has been left up to me. I began my weight loss journey with those hypnosis sessions and continued throughout the summer. I was going to the gym and doing what I thought was good, though results were slow. Then I met my personal trainer, Jack. A former marine and totally badass dude. He showed me how to get a real workout. I think I did either two or three sessions with him. Three days a week. That was my accountability. He would take my measurements and record my weight. He was encouraging but tough. I really thought my legs would collapse on that treadmill some mornings. I hated how loud and heavy I was breathing and I just wanted to stop. And towards the end of our time together, I got the hang of it. I learned, on my own, how to breathe. He was going to stop the treadmill but I told him that I could keep going. I had slimmed down incredibly in just a few weeks. The results were amazing. But I was working hard for it.

On the scale, I was down to 188. A beautiful number. I felt so good.

Then the holidays hit. Christmas 2010. Training had ended and it was Christmastime. I stopped paying attention to the scale and wasn't spending as much time at the gym.

And then after that, and for the whole year of 2011, I just couldn't get back into it. I would try, then fail. I found myself emotionally eating and binging occasionally, something I just recently realized I have done my whole life. I recognize that now, and am working to stop it.

I managed to get back to 200 and that's pretty much where I have stayed the entire year. I tell myself that that isn't horrible. Because, really, it isn't. I still have managed to keep 30 lbs off for a year! But there's still that little nagging voice in the back of my head that says I was at 188 and that I'm a failure for gaining any amount back, even just a small amount.

Because of this, I think my motivation has just plummeted. I feel like a failure. I feel hideous (which I'm not) and I feel like I've let everyone down (which I haven't). My hypnotherapist, my trainer, my family, myself..all counting on me to lose all the weight, and I didn't. This thinking has led me to points this year where I was beating myself up in my head. Hating myself. Looking in the mirror and thinking how ugly I am and how much I have failed. I try to keep in mind that I have not undone everything. I've kept 30 lbs off for a year. That's something to be proud of, right? But that other voice pops its head in and reminds me that I failed.

To make matters worse, since late November, the scale has been poking itself slightly above 200. I absolutely refuse to let myself ever gain the weight back, but I'm so afraid of it happening. I have to stop it now. If I were to gain the weight back, I think I would really hate myself even more fiercely than I have the past year.

I have to get out of this endless loop of hating and loving myself. It's been holding me back for a year. So I think it might be easier to just start fresh. Forget what I did a year ago. It's been a while, anyway. I'm starting new for the first time now. I have the tools, and know what I need to do. I just need to do it. I'm putting the past behind me and beginning today. I won't beat myself up. And when I reach 188 again, I won't tell myself that I should have stayed there a year ago. I will congratulate myself for achieving it in the present : )

I don't want to hate myself anymore! Even for just a moment.

I should also mention that I'm a bellydancer. I am a member of one troupe and am about to join a second one in mid January. I practice 2-3 times a week (more if a show is coming up). So I do get a good bit of exercise from it. Bellydance has really grown my confidence. It's my passion. I love it. But I don't dance well when I'm not confident, and I am not confident right now. I have a busy year full of dance activities coming up and I want to look and feel good for them. And I'll need all the energy I can get by joining a second troupe. I'll write more on that later, I think.

And as an addendum to the whole exercise thing: I like the gym. I really do. I enjoy going and I feel good when I get a good workout. I have had thoughts about getting back with my personal trainer. I have the money and it would be really good for me. I even got a coupon in the mail for 20% off, good until 1/31/12. But part of the reason I have not been going to the gym is, again, I feel like a failure. I feel like everyone will see me as having gained weight back. They'll know that I haven't been coming. And they'll criticize me in their mind. Yes, this is ridiculous but it's what keeps me at home. These are feelings in my mind I can't shake. I'm afraid of disappointing people. Especially my trainer. I don't want to see him and hear him say that it looks like I've gained weight back. Even though I have. I think that would crush me, even though its the truth. And he probably wouldn't even say that!
So part of me wants to go to him, be honest, and ask for help to really do it this time. And part of me says, no, I can do it myself.
Basically, I'm afraid of going into the gym and being recognized. Our gym isn't huge and the front desk guy always seems to remember me. It's dumb to think that but that's why I haven't gone.
I don't know if I should get back with my trainer, even though I'd REALLY like to and think it would help (with accountability if nothing else!). I tell myself that I just need to get in a little better shape by myself before I get back with him so he doesn't see the progress that I've undone. I really don't know what's best. But one thing is for sure. I HAVE to get back to a gym schedule and I have to start tomorrow morning.

Here I am on December 27th of 2011. I'm picking up my blog again for accountability. I have invited new readers and may invite friends if I gain the confidence. My eating habits and weight have been so incredibly embarrassing to me my whole life. I don't really care about looking cute, although it's nice. I am more concerned with being healthy, living a long life, and feeling happy and not hating myself. I think 2012 will be my year. I can do it. Just gotta stick to it.

Calories...Energy...Dance...Goals. And people with weird gym habits!

2011-03-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

Calories
I wish my body had a meter on it somewhere that told me the exact number of calories I have eaten, burned, need to lose weight, etc. It's just so different for everyone.

I had a bit of a surprise this morning at the gym. I took my new heart rate monitor (and finally used it right today, the other day I didn't realize I needed to press start to start recording all the info...) and at the end of an hour there, it said I burned nearly 600 calories. Whoa...is this right? This can't be right. Really?
I didn't even do that much at the gym. I've been not feeling great today (more on that in a bit) but I used most of my workout to go into the studio and dance. And I burned nearly 600 calories? That's....half of what I eat in a day. I'm not so sure I agree with that. It seems like a lot. Could it really be true, though?

Dance/People with weird gym habits
Anyway. There was a guy in the studio who I think likes to use the punching bag in the dark. I don't get it. When I first got into the studio, there was a trainer and girl, punching bag guy, and me. I found my own little corner to dance in and did my thing. When the trainer and trainee left, punching bag guy goes over and turns the lights off!! I thought it was kind of rude and made me question a lot. Umm...did he do it to tell me to gtfo or something? I know he did this last weekend because i saw him in there and the lights were off and i thought it was odd but left them off...Thankfully he turned them back on when he left. I guess that's just what he likes to do but, seriously??

Goals and energy
I didn't eat well last week. I didn't eat well over the weekend either. I've had a few days where it's been impossible to feel motivated. I am SO exhausted. I have felt like this on and off since my mom died 2 years ago and lately it's been REALLY bad. I'm falling asleep in the car driving around...at work, too. I'm going to bed early at home and having trouble getting to the gym because I'm so damn tired. I get a full 8 hours of sleep (sometimes 7-8) and on the weekends even more than that. I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and I don't wake up until the alarm goes off. But I'm always exhausted. It's been hard to participate in dance class. We even had a workshop this weekend and I sat a lot of it out and just took notes, which is unlike me. I want to participate, but this weekend I was just too tired. I even have gotten comments from a few people about how I look tired.

I hate it. I got a physical last year and bloodwork was fine but he thought I could use a referral to a sleep center. I don't think that will help and I dont want to waste time and money on something like that. The idea of sleeping in a room monitored by things stuck to me all night doesn't sound like fun and I really don't want to do it. But I might. I just don't think that's the problem.

It could be depression. I don't throw that word around lightly. I know I had a bit of it right after my mom died. I remember feeling just so down. I couldn't do anything. I'm feeling similar now. But I feel like the majority of people I have tried to tell about it just shrug it off. And that sort of makes me angry. There is something wrong with me. I shouldn't be this exhausted all the time. I hate it.

I don't want it to get in the way of my weight loss either. It did last week. I was so exhausted and just didn't care.

I just wish I could get some help.

2011-03-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

My grandfather "friended" me on facebook today.

I can't NOT accept the request because, well, he's my grandfather and I probably would get a hard time if I didn't.

I really don't mind having family reading my facebook. Definitely as the site has grown out of being for college kids only, I think everyone has to watch what they say and post as their status (anyone smart, anyway) and pictures, etc. So I don't have anything to hide and I never post anything I wouldn't want someone seeing.

It kind of bothers me, though, because I talk about my weight loss a lot through facebook. I get a lot of support and it's been very positive for me, especially lately. It really makes me feel good. I worry about what he might say. I worry if he might comment. I hope he won't. I hope he won't even look at my profile or pics or statuses, but that's probably unlikely. I just hope that he won't comment.

I've gotten a lot of grief from him about my weight for years now. He has said a lot of hurtful things. Intentionally or not. And I really shouldn't put any weight (ha) on his opinion. Because it doesn't matter. I am my own person and I will do what I want. He has no right to judge me. He hasn't even been a big part of my life or anything. My grandmother is awesome and supportive, has never made any sort of discouraging remarks and I love her to pieces. It's all been my grandfather.

At christmas, we were talking about my dad's new pet snake, and my grandfather said I should get it to constrict around me so it would squeeze some of the weight off. Also said a few years ago I should return to a job that made me miserable and was pretty much illegal what the management was doing to the workers, and I was working so hard (17 hour days) and was so stressed that I lost weight. He said I should go back to being miserable and stressed so I would LOSE WEIGHT. Yeah, my mental health is worth a few lbs.

Those things stick with me. And they make me feel bad about myself. But then, that stops...and it just makes me angry. What a terrible thing to tell a person who is making a positive change in their life. So, because of that, I'll always be a little angry, unless he were to understand that his remarks are hurtful (unlikely) and apologize (even more unlikely). It's every time I go to see them. I don't enjoy talking to him because I know the inevitable questions/remarks about my weight are going to be there. And I'll probably have to deal with them for as long as he's around. I love my family, but I really don't need that negativity. So I'll just grin and fake laugh off those comments when they make me cry inside.

But they don't really bother me THAT much anymore, because I know it's coming. I'm expecting it, and that kind of softens the blow a bit.

So.....I am lucky to have wonderful friends and other family members who are supportive and encouraging and awesome!!!

Doughnuts!

2011-03-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

Now, why did they have to go and bring doughnuts into the office this morning?? Really! They're about 10 feet behind me, and I can just smell the sticky sugar wafting over here.

It would be wonderful to have one. BUT it won't do anything good for me. It will be tasty for about a minute, but after that:
- I'll feel guilty for not sticking to my calories for the day
- I'll see it on the scale in the morning
- It has no nutritional benefits for me
- It won't make me feel any fuller or anything else good!

It's more important to me that I continue to lose weight and stick to my schedule than give into a small temptation that really, isn't much of a temptation to begin with. It's just THERE.

I think this is what motivation is. I want to lose weight so badly that I will pass up something I would normally be way excited about and I probably would have had 2 or 3 by now. But I know what the consequences will be if I have even just one. I COULD do that and still stick to my diet for the day...but I would have to cut elsewhere, and I already have my calories planned out for the day. I WANT to stick to them.

But it's not even like I'm that tempted by it. I guess, for the reasons above, I don't REALLY even want one. It's not like I'm trying super hard to control myself. It's just more important to me to lose weight and feel good for a long time than to have about 15 seconds of enjoyment of a treat that I'll regret all week. Maybe longer.

Now, if you put a bag of cheese puffies in here, I'd break my diet. I would. Not even going to lie. Glad they're not around in any nearby stores anymore.

Just went and closed the doughnut box so I don't have to smell them!

Also, didn't go to the gym this morning. I've been really dragging this week, like, REALLY dragging. And I had a show last night. I don't feel terrible about going to the gym, I think I REALLY needed that bit of extra sleep this morning to recover. I think I'll be back to speed on Friday, I hope. I hate being tired all the time.

Dancing at the gym!

2011-03-07T10:32:00.000-08:00

This morning, I practiced some dance routines at the gym for the first time.

This was a big step for me. It sounds crazy, but it really took me a while to work up the courage to do that. Lately when I've been in the gym listening to my dance music, I want to get off the treadmill and dance!

So today after treadmilling, abs and a few weights (not as many as I should have, but it's been over a week since I've been at the gym) I took the last 20 mins or so and went into the studio.

The studio at our gym is pretty open. It's got a hardwood floor and huge mirrors. It's also got windows all along the wall so people can sort of see in if they're trying to. This morning, there was a girl in there lifting weights. In the dark. I said, sure, OK, and didn't turn the lights on (maybe she wanted to lift in the dark??). I ran over a few choreographies and it was so much fun. I wanted to keep going but needed to stop and get ready for work. I didn't want to leave! I can't wait to do it again, though I THINK they have a class in there on Wed mornings. Oh how I wish they had the class schedule on their website. I kind of want to be in there every morning practicing but I know they have classes some mornings!

Also, I recently and finally acquired a heart rate monitor to see my heart rate throughout all my workout. Today, I noticed it goes down quickly after I stop running, and some ab work gets it up higher than others (situps). Dancing REALLY got it up and kept it up, which I wasn't really expecting. So that's pretty cool!

Also saw Trainer Jack this morning. I'm going to plan on potentially signing up for another 12 sessions at the beginning of summer. I loved how I felt working out with him and I want to get there again. I don't think I'm pushing myself as hard as I can, and he really knew my limits better than I do. Crazy, huh?

So here's something...I think I'm really getting some sort of intolerance for oily or greasy foods. Which is crazy since that's pretty much what I used to eat. But it feels like for the past few months, whenever I try to eat something (it's been chick fila, mcdonalds, and even ruths chris last night) my stomach just doesn't like it. It gets all grumbly and gross. I've heard about this happening with weight loss bloggers...after eating clean, they try to eat something greasy and they feel sick. I'd LIKE to think that a similar thing is happening with me but I don't know if it's just me getting older. However...the timing would certainly seem coincidental!

1200 calories.

2011-03-04T05:38:00.000-08:00

I really believe in the 1200 calorie diet.

All you do is keep your base calories to 1200. If you exercise, you can make up what you burned off. And still lose weight. It's worked for me. I lost 40lbs in high school doing it. I lost 40 lbs last year doing it and now, in phase II of my weight loss, it's still working.

When I'm just starting the 1200 calorie diet for the first time, it's hard. It's tough. It's not a lot of food if you don't use it right. Some days I'm so hungry in the evening, I'm very tempted to go over my allotment. It's hard not to.

One thing that the 1200 calorie diet has taught me is calorie management. Let me explain:

Last summer, sometimes I would have a bag of doritos with lunch. This was 300 calories. Thats 1/4 of my daily allotment (if I don't exercise that day). So I can't have as much else for the day. If you keep having high calorie things like that, you won't get a lot of food for the day. Doritos don't make me feel full. They're a tasty treat. But wouldn't make me feel full, which is what I need for the day. I need energy. Similarly with juices, sodas, icees, etc. Theyre fun, but really, it is sort of wasting your calories for the day.

Yesterday, I had a crazy successful day. I had so much to eat and wasn't hungry once during the day!

Breakfast:
1 egg + 1 egg white (100 cals)
2 strips low sodium bacon (70 cals)
OJ (110 cals)
Banana (100 cals)

Lunch:
7 apple slices (35 cals)
Dressing (100 cals)
salad (30 cals)
Banana (100 cals)
milano cookies (100 cals)

dinner:
Banana (100 cals)
hard boiled eggs (140 cals)
milano cookies (100 cals)
cheese pack (100 cals)
apple slices (35 cals)

total: 1220

Barely anything I had was over 100 calories except the orange juice and hard boiled eggs (though it was two and they're technically 70 each). Thursdays are hard for me because I go from work straight to dance class and dance practice and have lately been feeling empty of energy and exhausted, but last night was an exception. I felt good and had enough energy to focus and get through a difficult choreography. Usually I'm really hungry when I get home. Not yesterday, I wasn't hungry and didn't go to bed wishing I could have something else to eat.

That's how you do it. Find good foods that will kepe you full and boost your energy. Trainer Jack was always pushing eggs (and egg whites, mostly) because they have lots of protein. Not sure if they're an energy booster for everyone else like they are for me, but I love eggs. They're fairly inexpensive (a 3$ carton lasts me a whole week) and I can eat them many different ways, many times during the day. Though I'm trying to limit them to just breakfast because the yolks have a lot of cholesterol, (and soon to only do egg whites and no yolk!)

This week, a big stressor ended on Wednesday when I finally refinanced my house. I can't believe how much stress left when that happened and I'm feeling so HAPPY and STRESS FREE for the first time since my mom died. Seriously. It's been never ending stress since February 2009. I feel so good. and Super motivated to continue with weight loss. Wednesday night, the hubby bought me a pizza and soda to celebrate. I had planned on something healthier, but I went ahead and had some. I limited myself to two pieces and a 1/3 of the soda. And I still lost weight, because I had eaten so well earlier in the day.

I'll be continuing healthy eating and counting calories this weekend. That's something I wasn't doing in the past. I'd do whatever on the weekend and not really count calories, although during the week I intended to. But I'm feeling so much more motivated now, and I don't want to backtrack anymore. I lost weight so slowly last year beacause of my weekends. Usually I didn't go overboard, but I could have lost more weight had I just stuck to it throughout the weekend too. So I'll be doing that this weekend. I'll also need to be thinking about Sunday night. We're going to Ruth's Chris to celebrate the refinance. I'm already trying to plan out what I'm going to have when I get there. I usually get a bone-in ribeye, which is huge and I don't even want to know how many calories are in it. I think I'll be getting a smaller steak this time, maybe with a side salad, and no potatoes. And possibly going to the gym earlier that day to burn some extra calories for it :)

This morning I'm at 195. I did weigh myself earlier in the week and I was at 197.4 on Wednesday, 196.4 yesterday. Clearly I'm back on track and feeling more motivated than before. My lowest last year was 188.6 and I'm not that far from there. I will be back in NO TIME!! Maybe even the week after next. I'll be there and beyond. There are no shortcuts this time. I've made myself a schedule of where I should be if I lose 2 lbs a week (which is no problem!). So far, I'm ahead of schedule and I want to keep it that way. I have so many things coming up to look forward to that I want to lose weight for.

According to my schedule, If I continue with 2 lbs / week, I'll be at 190 lbs in time for a big show on April 1st. If I continue to be ahead of schedule, I should be at about 187.

By my friend's wedding (which I'm a bridesmaid in) on April 30:
if I continue on schedule: 182
if I continue ahead of schedule: 179

And by June 1 (Summer!!)
on schedule: 172
ahead of schedule: 169
(either of those sound AMAZING)

I'll be buying a new wardrobe!

Calculating these numbers out is a huge motivator. I printed a table and put it on my desk at work to keep track, and on the fridge at home. It's a motivator to stick to it, to really be accountable to myself and to make these changes. If the scale is correct, I already lost 2 lbs this week (at least, I don't know what my weight was at on Monday) and I know I can continue that. Just gotta stick to it.

Getting back into a rhythm!

2011-03-01T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm done with the bad eating over the holidays. I've been eating GREAT lately! It's so good to say that and really mean it and have it be true.

At the beginning of the year, I was doing the usual eat healthy during the day but don't count the calories out for dinner, which I think was just enough to keep me from losing weight. It was discouraging. But I thought about it and realized, I really can't estimate. I REALLY need to count out my calories for dinner and stick to them. I wasn't doing that. Now I am and that will be the difference that helps me to continue to lose weight.

Things I've changed, just this year!:
- Egg whites for breakfast! (right now, its one whole egg and one egg white, soon to be all egg whites)
- Salad as my main course for lunch, every day at work! (low calorie salad dressing)
- I was using croutons. I stopped that. Don't need em!
- Substitute romaine lettuce for iceberg lettuce - many more nutrients
- Also, I used to pick out the carrots and red cabbage out of my salad. I'm still doing that a little bit, but now I'm trying to make a point of eating as much of it as I can. This is not a big deal to some, but it's a change for me.
- Cutting out carbs for breakfast and lunch. I used to do english muffins with breakfast, crackers of some kind for lunch. I stopped. They don't help me feel full. I feel like sometimes they even make me feel hungry! I don't even buy crackers anymore for my lunches. They're ok to have, but my motivation was that for the calories, i'm not feeling any fuller. So I can have something else (like apple slices or a banana!) that DO make me feel satisfied and are a lot less calories.
- Bananas galore! They're super cheap and yummy. I have one as a mid morning snack every morning. Sometimes I'll have one with lunch too. I also got a banana keeper for my birthday so I can carry one in my purse and it wont get smooshed or bruised.
- Started eating whole wheat pasta. It's not terrible. It is a little different but not much. It's like...grainy regular pasta. I'm trying to make a slow transition to it completely. I also like how much fiber it has and just a little of it is enough to make me feel full.

I still don't get how many calories are in a banana. I see so many different estimations everywhere, so I've just estimated it at about 100 calories. I think that may be a little of an over estimation but we'll see if it works.

Still need to work on more protein during the day and evening. Pasta is so much easier to make than chicken, I think, and I need to get away from that. I'm sure if I made chicken more frequently it would be easier and I'd be able to make it more confidently. I'm always afraid of undercooking it, though. This is something I am GOING to do. I LOVE chicken! I just need to experiment with ways to make it. Especially when the weather is warm and I can start grilling!!! oh Yummmm....

Also want to start adding more to my salad. Spinach leaves will be next. This is kind of crazy. I'm considering spinach in my salad! My picky eating self is like, eww, isn't that gross? But I'm really going to do it! That's the next step!

Still haven't been great about getting to the gym. I'm letting stress get to me, especially last week. This week has been considerably better. I didnt go monday, although I was packed and ready to go, because I stayed up so late on Sunday night. I've got a big fear about not getting enough sleep. I hate being tired during the day, especially at work. This morning I was really tired, I was nearly falling asleep on the drive to work. I don't like that. It's not safe. But I got plenty of sleep last night, more than usual actually. I just need to get over my fear of not getting enough sleep because I need to get to the gym. I AM going tomorrow.

However, even though I'm not going to the gym, I'm definitely still getting a good bit of exercise in with dance. I have so many shows and things coming up that It's a little overwhelming. There's class 3 nights a week and the nights I don't have class I'm definitely practicing.

This is a big difference from where I was last year. Barely taking any dance classes, not going to the gym (and when I was, not working out nearly as hard as I am now!). I've changed a good bit.

I'm weighing myself Friday. It's been a few weeks. My expectations are not high. Purposefully. I don't want to be discouraged. But, especially after this week, I will hope to see some sort of loss, no matter how small.

I need to stick to it, I have so many things coming up I need to lose weight for!

Life.

2011-02-22T05:20:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty terrible about updating. I feel like life is really getting to me lately.

I'm still doing great. I'm actually eating better than I ever have. I've got a nice little routine going on.

Breakfast - 1 egg and 1 egg white (eventually this will be just 2 or 3 egg whites, no yolk = much less cholesterol!)
and OJ

I eat a banana every morning, sometimes one with lunch, too.

Lunch - salad and italian dressing (80 cal for 2 tbsp, I usually use about 100 cal worth) with 5 croutons. I've been using romaine lettuce with carrots and radish. I've done some research and romaine lettuce (the darker stuff) has a LOT more nutrients than iceberg. I love iceberg because it's crunchy but nutrients are good. Then usually a 100 cal pack of cookies, some apple slices, etc.

Dinner has been up in the air. I need to figure out some sort of schedule for it.

I'm really feeling good about having a salad with lunch every day. It feels good to eat healthy.

I've not been great about getting to the gym. I've been so stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed for the past month or so that I've had issues going. I got there last week only once. And this week I was going Monday and got all the way there and forgot my bag. Had to go back home. I felt really mad about that. It's like life is sabotaging my weight loss right now. I'm eating right and in the right amounts but my weight is kind of hovering at the same spot right now. Which is OK, I can deal with it, but it's frustrating and a little discouraging.

It's giving me a bad attitude. It's making me think that it's just not possible, when I KNOW it is. The gym helps tremondously. Those workouts really help. I am dancing 3 nights a week at least and I think I still need that boost from the gym to make this happen.

I also think that stress is really working against me. I need to find a way to destress but so far it's not happening. :\

A great week and a not so great week.

2011-02-04T05:14:00.000-08:00

Last week, I did GREAT. I stuck to my guns every day and did wonderfully.

This week, not so good. I think the problem was I was at home for three days. I apparently did something to my back, slept on it wrong or something, and it really hurt. Also, doctor says my ribs were inflammed. Not fun. So while I was at home, I ate. More than I should have. And Wasn't up for making healthy foods, either, since it hurt to move. I don't feel good about it and feel like I undid my work from the previous week, but I can only do what I can do. Also upset that I havent been to the gym all week, but with my back the way it is, it wouldn't have been a good idea. Maybe I will try to go tomorrow morning.

So I'm back on track today and changing my attitude. Instead of being dissappointed in myself, I'm going to try to be proud of myself and what I've done so far. I am trying to tell myself, "I look good. Let's make myself look BETTER!" or something like that. It sort of helps me not get discouraged. But I don't know how long it will take.

Sounds crazy, but last night I had a dream about dancing ballet. I have dreams like this ALL THE TIME. It's something I really wish I could do. I do bellydance, which is fun, but I love classical music and ballet so much too. It would be amazing to take a class. I know that people say you shouldn't let anything hold you back from doing what you want, even being overweight, but there's NO WAY I would take a class looking like this, just not going to happen.

So, I've set a goal for myself, to get into beginner adult ballet classes. Supposedly they offer them in my area. So I want to do this in the summer. I think I'm going to print out a flyer or something and post it on the fridge and at work and places I see it every day to help me stay focused.

I want to lose the rest of this weight to follow my dreams!

Feeling good this morning. And a rant on commercials.

2011-01-26T05:44:00.000-08:00

I am feeling good today. Weight is going down, I'm on track with my calories, and I hit the gym this morning. I think I had a really good workout and I did better than last week (I guess it was actually the week before). I was able to do more repetitions of weights and ab work and I went longer on my running warm up than I usually do. I feel good about that. I've been recording everything I do on a tiny notebook and I think it's helping me remember and track my progress.

Isn't that strange? I had a week off of the gym and did better this week than I did the last time I went! I find that interesting. Trainer Jack told me that every couple of weeks you should take a week off to sort of recouperate and charge up, maybe just take it easier on the treadmill, do some walking. I remember doing that with him, too, and it did make me feel a little better when going back. Don't get why it worked this time since I've been bad about the gym over the holidays and beginning of January.

But not anymore, I've got SUMMER to look forward to!!

also, i forgot to pack pants in my gym bag this morning! so i realized this after my shower and got a bit panicked. I had to throw on clothes (my sweaty gym pants) and rush home before work. I managed to get to work right on time, maybe a minute late. go me!

I've been meaning to write about these commercials I keep hearing on the radio. First off, it's this guy who's practically yelling at me about some weight loss supplement of his. He says that a woman has to exercise every day for an hour just to maintain weight.

Umm?? If I hit the gym for an hour every day I'd be dropping weight like crazy!

But, of course, if you take his supplement, you can lose weight!! WOW.

Similarly, there was something on the radio this morning, a small segment on a news show I listen to...this fitness/health lady comes on with small tips to make you healthier. It's for the average joe, not for fitness buffs, so thats good. But she said that walking your dog or playing ball with him for 30 mins a day burns so many calories a day, etc, and equals 10 lbs lost in a year!

But she fails to mention that this is an average, and you would need to maintain your diet for the entire year.

I feel like I'm hearing this a lot. losing weight/gaining weight is all about calories in vs calories burned! You'll see this on all weight loss blogs (or most of them).

Seriously, that's it. If you work hard at the gym or do that 30-60-90 minutes of walking while your kid is at soccer, and then go and eat a 2000 calorie meal at mcdonalds, you've kind of negated the work you did and you will NOT lose 10 lbs that year if you make those two things a habit.

You can't generalize something like that!

Same with the screaming weight loss supplement guy. No, you DON'T have to spend an HOUR at the gym EVERY DAY just to maintain (!) your body weight! You might if you eat the meal I described above on a regular basis, but not if you eat right and in moderation!!

One person spending an hour at gym every day eating high calorie meals might maintain their weight.
Another person spending the same amount of time at the gym and eating less (creating a calorie deficit) will lose weight!

Sorry dude, but your supplement has nothing to do with it!

Finally getting back to 1200 calorie days

2011-01-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

I don't get what's going on with my weight right now, it seems to be fluctuating and I seem to be retaining more water weight than usual. The scale one day said 196 and the next 198...and I don't feel like 198. Could just be water weight, so I'm not letting it get to me.

I've been doing really well planning out meals and eating healthy, and less. I've not been letting myself get full, even when faced with tons of delicious food. I've gotten a lot better, I think over the past year, of being able to not get super stuffed when eating.

I've been lax about getting to the gym. Life has been getting in the way. I've had early morning meetings and work has been seriously stressful. I know there is no excuse really to be missing the gym so much and I really want to get back on a regular schedule, and plan to do so tomorrow.

Dance classes are picking back up, too. I think this was a little bit of a contribution to my slight weight gain over the holidays. I went from classes 3 nights a week to 0 for a few weeks. This week, a second class started back up, and next week I'll be back in full swing again with classes 3 nights a week. It will be good for me. It was nice to be lazy for a while but I'm feeling antsy now. Especially today. I wish I had a class to go to tonight. I'm getting this desire to be moving and learning instead of doing nothing with my night. It's usually hard to get back into classes after a break but I'm past that now (I was feeling really lazy about it last week) and I'm ready to get my dance on.

Like I said...I'm back to 1200 cals a day and doing great with it. It's a good feeling. I know I'm guaranteed to lose weight with it and it will happen. Just gotta stick to it, right?

Summer is on my mind every day. I know its January and I've got like, 4-5 months before it gets warm again, but it will happen and I'm so excited. I love summer. It makes me happy and as it gets closer my desire to lose weight will SKYROCKET. It's a great thing to keep in mind for me. I love the heat, the sun, going to the beach or water park, wearing a swimsuit, buying cute clothes...I love it. And driving with the sunroof open and music blasting. Love it. So I'm trying to keep that in mind. Also, all the things I have coming up to look forward to - being a bridesmaid, a bellydance photo shoot, and multiple dance recitals!!I've got a lot of things to keep me motivated and and going to work so hard to get where I want to be.

Still on track, but need to fix my lunch routine!

2011-01-20T05:35:00.001-08:00

Still going strong!

But lunch is messing me up. I feel like i dont get enoughh, and thats because what ive been bringing is highish calories for what i could be bringing. Yogurt is 180calories, which, while yummy, is a lot. Especially when i want a 400 or 500 calorie meal. It adds up. So my current challenge is to find foods that are really low cal and have that. I feel like i need enough so that it will make me feel satisfied and hold me til dinner. Its hard to eat a healthy, low cal dinner when ive been so hungry all afternoon and go home starving. That sabotages me. Ive felt like 1200 cals isnt enough when i know it can be.

So im doing a little research and hopefully will add some extra fruits and veggies and fiber and protein for lunch.

Also, possibly making breakfast a little less and allowing for more of a snack in between breakfast and lunch might help.

On a side note...how many calories are in a banana??? I swear i just dont know. Everyone says something different! Im sticking with 80 to 100 cals to be safe, but i always thought it was about 60. 100 seems high.

Also, going back to weighing once a week on friday and im doing well!

So I did it.

2011-01-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

I broke down and weighed myself this morning. I felt like I was ready to see what the number was. I was *supposed* to wait til tomorrow, but I really wanted to know. Actually, I'm glad that I waited this long. 199.

I did have a larger than normal dinner last night, so it may not even be that bad. it's a higher number than I'd have liked to see, but there it is. I am dissappointed, but it could have been worse. I'm determined to keep going and go further, and I know I'll feel good about myself when I do.

So tired.

2011-01-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was so tired I went to bed at 8pm. Ugh. I know I got up early to go to the gym, but I'm thinking it may have been the decreased calories that made me so sleepy.

I had some soup last night, Campbell's tomato bisque. It was pretty good, actually. I liked it. It's probably something I'll get again. I put some croutons in it for variety, because it's really just tomato. Although it sort of had a buttery taste to it.

I'm still not really sure how many calories are in those croutons. They're the kroger brand, and it says that 1 serving is 2 tbsp of croutons. ??? These aren't small croutons, they're pretty large, so I think 1 crouton would fit in a tbsp. But does that mean that 1 serving = 2 croutons? 1 serving is also 30 calories. I'm not sure if I think that 2 croutons is 30 calories, but maybe. Either way, a tbsp is a really terrible way to measure a serving for croutons. since, theyre sqare and tbsp things are round! I find it a little amusing to picture putting a single square crouton in a tbsp to measure it.

I'm excited about my dinner again tonight, too. I think this is going to help me be successful this year. Having a healthy dinner that I'm excited about. Last night it was tomato bisque and croutons, something new, but also tasty, healthy and low calorie. Tonight I'm having a crisp salad with a hard boiled egg (freshly made). there's nothing like a warm egg on your salad, its so yummy.

Talking about food is making me hungry. Almost lunchtime. I've got a banana staring me in the face waiting to be eaten :) Yesterday I only had one banana, should have had two, so today I'll make sure that happens. I have to eat my second banana as a 3pmish snack. Unfortunately, I didnt have lunch til 2 yesterday so that was a little weird but I'm on a regular schedule today so far.

Motivation for the day (and year!)

2011-01-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

My e-mail to myself this morning:
You are doing a great job and looking good! Think of whats coming up:

Warehouse trip
bellydance solo
bellydance group day of dance (think of how awesome you will feel for this!)
my first tummy thursday
photo shoot (this is a big one!)
Kathryn's wedding
Rakassah later in the year
Roller skating

you need to be healthy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's a new year, a fresh start. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and dissappointed in my less than stellar eating habits over the holidays, and I'm ready to get back to losing this weight and getting healthy full force. I've seen and heard a few things that I think will really help my mindset.

First, From the Anti Jared, I should focus on getting healthy, not skinny. It's really interesting how much of a difference that makes.
If I'm doing this to be skinny, I can eat a diet of 1200 calories worth of marshmellows and lose weight. If I'm doing this to be HEALTHY, though, those marshmellows suddenly arent a good decision (even if it's a controlled amount) and it's important to get the nutrition I need.

Second, putting this off isn't going to get me anywhere, every day counts. I've had a bad habit of procrastinating, as I'm sure many have. "I'll start the diet tomorrow," or "I can overeat today, I'll lose the weight eventually." This was a bad thing to think over the holidays. A few days here or there wouldn't be terrible, but when it's day after day, it's no good. Every decision really does matter. I can't think that I can just overeat on weekends but work it off during the week, because that weekend can undo all my work from the week.

Third, I found an article about a former WoW addict (World of Warcraft) who decided to quit and make their life better by working out. I love video games. I really do. I could play them all day long, every day, and have many times. If I took the time that I played video games and put them into exercising or practicing my dancing, I would be much more fit. This is true. I used to play WoW a lot, but I don't anymore. I just got tired of it. After playing for 3-4 years it just got tedious, even with the expansions, and sometimes felt like a chore having to log on for raids when I really didn't want to. I still play other games that are a lot of fun, but I don't spend the time I used to. I won't ever stop gaming I don't think, but I would like to be a better dancer, and that means devoting more time to that instead of games.

Lastly, I'm journaling my calories every day. Even if I screw up, I write down what I ate. Also, I have started doing the calorie math for what I get to eat all day in the morning or night before. This will help me succeed, since I usually struggle at dinnertime. If I have a plan for the day, and know exactly what I'm going to have, I'm more likely to stick to it, rather than deciding what the heck I'm going to have for dinner when I get home. If I already know, I'll look forward to it and won't be as likely to stray from that.

Today I have a nice healthy day planned with a double dose of bananas (low calorie, nutritious, easy, and ultra cheap. Really, I can't believe how cheap they are. New years resolution: eat more of these!!), OJ and soup tonight. I'm gonna make the majority of my dinners during the week soups or salad. For now. I like soup, and they're usually a good source of veggies. I think this is a form of veggies I can handle. I'm working my way up to vegetable soup, but I want to get there. Another resolution: eat more soup! It's cheap, easy to make, and good for me.

I want to also eventually make my lunches healthier. I've been having yogurt lately which is fine but I want to have a more protein filled lunch. I like turkey slices, so I might go back to those at some point.

~~~~

This morning, I was expecting the gym to be packed. It was definitely more busy than the usual monday morning (its usually dead) so that was kind of nice, it felt more alive, but it wasn't anywhere near packed. which was ok.
Maybe this is crazy, but I've really considered going every day. On tues/thurs, I'll do light cardio, and do my heavy workouts on the other days. I don't want to burn out, but I feel like it's hard to go m/w/f and have those easy mornings inbetween. Plus, I feel so good after going. Maybe i'll try it out this week.

~~~~~

On a final note, I've not weighed myself still. I'm scared to know. I think I'm going to weigh myself Friday or next monday. I kind of need to know. I need to have a starting point. I'm hoping it won't be as bad as I think, and doing well this week will help shed that initial water weight, so we'll see where I'm at probably Friday...I'll update my graph again then, too. Gotta have a starting point for the year I guess.

Feeling good...but fat.

2010-12-29T05:34:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how hard it's been to not weigh myself. I've been so tempted multiple times to just say, OK, it might be bad, but I must know. But I've held off.

Part of me really wants to know. I want to know so I know if I'm making progress or backtracking right now. But I'm afraid that if it's too much, I'll be discouraged and feel even worse about myself.

The gym this morning went well, though I feel like before the holidays I was able to do better. I feel really good physically after going. I don't really know how to explain it, but breathing feels open and good. When I breathe after going to the gym, my chest feels good. It's weird. Not that it hurts or anything before, but it just feels good after.

I am feeling fat. I thought I saw a little bit of jiggly stomach at the gym this morning that wasn't there before. *sigh* that's depressing. It could have been the new shirt I was wearing, and probably was....oh well.

I'm thinking about starting up another trainer session in the spring. I think I might. Not anytime soon sure, but I might do it. We'll see.

Anyway, I've done well yesterday and today so far, although I'm feeling down about backtracking over the holidays. It's not really helping me, feeling this way. All I can do is move forward and get back to feeling good again.

I'm gonna start to be real here. Total accountability, even if I'm ashamed,.

2010-12-28T05:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was off to a good start. Then in the evening, it sort of fell apart. The problem is that I got so hungry that I stopped counting my calories for the evening. I know I didn't have enough for lunch and I think that really messed me up for dinner, because I was just way too hungry.

That being said, even though I didn't finish off the day right, I still recorded everything I ate in my new calorie-counting notebook.

Here are some of the things I'm going to do to make sure that doesn't happen again:
- make sure I get enough to eat. If I'm starving, I need to eat. And it's easier and tempting to just eat whatever when I'm really hungry. So I gave myself a little more to eat for breakfast (some extra protein) to hopefully keep me happy until lunch, and I brought some trail mix stuff to eat with lunch (peanuts=protein there, too) if I feel like I didn't get enough (which I'm sure I wont).
- Not worrying about strict 1200 calories. It might not be enough right now. I'll get back to it, but right now, 1500 should be fine. Some websites say I can eat 1600 and still lose weight but I really don't think that works for me. I know 1200 works, even 1300. I always make sure I get enough though.
- More protein, and start finding ways to get more fiber.

I know it's a bad week for me to start fresh, because I'm going to be extra hungry because of where I'm at in the month, but oh well. I just need to get over it.

It doesn't help that my hubby brought home all sorts of sweets last night. I love him so much, and I know he does it because it makes me happy, but I don't like being wasteful and I don't want to hurt his feelings by not eating them. I know I can have things in moderation, so I brought one of the sweets to work with me in my lunch and I'm adding the calories from it (170, not horrible) to my calorie book.

Also...I made brownies last night. This has become my new cheese puff food. They're a Martha Stewart recipe...peanut butter swirl. They're stupidly delicious and I could eat a whole pan of them and make myself sick. I told myself over the holidays I wasn't allowed to make them anymore, but I failed and did last night. I think that, yes, I can have them every once in a while, and in moderation, and only small portions. Sure, that is OK. But again, like with cheese puffies, I think this is one food that I just -can't- have, because there is no moderation with me. One tiny bit isn't enough. I'll want more. So I need to not make them.

Really, there aren't many foods like that for me. In fact, I think that's pretty much it, cheese puffies and peanut butter swirl brownies....those two things I just need to not have around. At least I recognize that...

I was going to write a little about clothes and complain some more about how no clothing manufacturers make pants that fit me, but I'm feeling a bit defeated about that. Most all my pants are tight around the waist and baggy in the hips and butt area. I'll never win. I just need to learn to make my own. My pants today are feeling a little like that and it's just making me feel fat and miserable. Even though they're a smaller size than I was in last year, they're feeling tight around the waist and not making me feel good. I need to get back to losing weight again. I felt so good about myself. I need to do this.

Post Christmas.

2010-12-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

Now that Christmas is over, it feels like a new year already, even though it's not for another few days. It's going to be a fresh start, sort of.

I think this is the first time in my life where I can actually look at my previous year and say I was successful in my new years resolution. Losing weight. Actually, I'm not so sure I officially made that my resolution, I think it was more along the lines of "be less stressed out" but I lost a good bit of weight and have done pretty well.

That said, I've been eating horribly for the month of December. I've been doing so much cooking and baking and I just haven't been paying attention. I know that's terrible. At first, I wasn't gaining any weight back, I think because of the gym and a newly increased metabloism. But when I saw a slight gain back, I started to feel really bad about myself. And I did a bit of emotional eating.

Now, I'm back on track. The holdays are over and I'm getting a jump start on kicking it into high gear. It's a new year, and I know I'll feel a lot more motivated with this start since I've done well so far. I'm not going to kick myself too much for eating terribly throughout December. It's ok. It happened and I can't change it. And it was the holidays. I had a lot of fun and ate lots of good stuff but now it's time to get back on track.

I haven't weighed myself since I started seeing a gain again. I'm not going to weigh myself until mid or late January. It might not be as bad as I think. It might be even better than I think. But I'm not weighing myself until I have a few weeks of 1300 cals and gym under my belt. Despite knowing that I've gained a few pounds back, I still feel pretty good about myself. I look great in my family christmas photos, especially compared to the ones taken of me last year. There's a huge difference.

I don't know if it's a good thing or not that I won't know exactly how many pounds I gained back over the holidays. I know it can't be that much since I still look pretty good...I guess on one hand, it would be good to know since it might discourage it from happening next year, but at the same time, i think it would be extremely discouraging right now if its more than 5 or so, and I don't want anything to make me feel bad or give up.

I haven't been great about getting to the gym either. The excitement of the holidays coupled with everything I have had to do has made things tough. I didn't go at all last week (Christmas week), although I really wanted to on Christmas eve, I just didn't have time. The week before, I went once, and pushed myself so hard I think I made myself sick. I had to lay down in a bathroom stall because I was afraid I was going to vomit or pass out. It was not fun. I'm worried now that that is going to happen when I hit the gym tomorrow morning, but maybe I need to not push myself too hard. I'm going twice this week instead of 3 times to sort of ease back into it (also because the roads were icy this morning), then next week I can hopefully start back with m-w-f. I've considered even adding another day in there, like tuesday, to do some light cardio with no weights, but we'll see what happens.

I have some things that I plan on doing to keep myself on track for the time being:

- Sending myself motivational emails. Sounds kind of cheesy, but it makes me feel good writing them and sort of gets me pumped up. I might make this a daily occurence, since I seem to feel best first thing in the morning, and maybe I can go back and read my motivation throughout the day.

- I got a stocking stuffer hello kitty notebook for xmas so I'm using that to record my calorie counts. I was using an online thing a while back, but it was kind of a pain to use. I might go back to it, since it was useful for counting cholesterol and sodium and stuff, but it was kind of laggy and there were things about it i didn't like.

- I want to get a heart rate monitor, at some point.

- I need to keep my saying in my head: Is this *thing I'm about to eat* more important than feeling better about myself tomorrow? Will it help me lose weight or will it keep that from happening and put it off yet again? How will it make me feel in a few hours? Or tomorrow?

In the meantime, I am not allowed to weigh myself. I set a tentative goal for Feb 1, but I might move that up if I'm feeling good about myself and want to see where I'm at. No earlier than mid January, I think. It would be really nice to get a weight for Jan 1, but I'll just have to do without it.

If I had to take a crazy guess, I'd say I'm about 195-200. That may be high. I had gotten down to 188-190. 180 is still my short term goal and eventually 160. Then I can re-evaluate if I need to lose more, etc.

My motivational e-mail this morning:
Lose your weight by April 1st. As of today, Dec 27, you have 3 months or 12 weeks. Lose 2 lbs a week and that's another 24 lbs gone. Lose 3 lbs a week and that's 36 lbs gone. You will be in the 160s. You will be thin. Do it for summer. Show the world you can do it too, and quickly.

1200 cals. It sucks in the moment but just think of what tomorrow holds. Suck it up for a few weeks to feel better the rest of your life. And summer!

Only weigh once or twice a month. Feb 1 is the first weigh-in. You can do it. Just stick to it.

2010-12-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive, really!

It's been a crazy holiday season so far with some crazy things cropping up in my personal life that weren't expected. I probably won't be doing much updating until after the holidays are over.

I'm also still sticking to my goal of maintaining my weight! It's going great. I have not gained any weight back. And I will not. Even with Thanksgiving - I didn't eat until I was stuffed. I ate until I had enough and then I stopped.

I think that has been a huge key factor in maintaining weight. I used to always eat until I could eat no more. I don't do that anymore.

I also have kept up a healthier lifestyle for nearly an entire year. That's great! I'm looking forward to improving further in the next year. I'm looking forward to losing the final 40 lbs before summer, and hopefully before my friend's wedding in the spring (I'm going to be a bridesmaid).

I know that with the new year will come a renewed desire to lose weight. We'll be chugging through the winter and spring will be in sight again. Then summer, my favorite. Next year is going to be great. Just gotta hold on until then!

8mph

2010-11-17T05:24:00.000-08:00

This morning, I was booking it on the treadmill at 8mph when my trainer comes over - haven't seen him since I finished my sessions! He was impressed. that made me feel pretty good about myself.

I'm proud, too. At the beginning of 2010, I could barely run at 5mph. Now, 6.5 is my warmup! I'm determined to keep it up and keep going, maybe even beyond 8mph soon..

I'm still hovering at about 190 lbs right now. That's fine. I haven't lost or gained in a few weeks and am doing a great job of keeping it where it is. Well, I am going to continue to LOSE, but as long as I can get through the holidays without gaining, I'll be happy. I plan on doing this by continuing my gym schedule, even on the day after thanksgiving, and maybe on thanksgiving itself (the gym opens at 8 so that would work).

I think dance has been giving me a lot of extra exercise and calorie burning lately and that's helping. I also think my metabolism has sped up, I guess from the exercise...is that how it works?

Setup for success or failure?

2010-11-10T04:55:00.000-08:00

So I've been sick from two different things these past two weeks and I wasn't able to get to the gym during that time.

I felt HORRIBLE about it, too.

Today, I finally am feeling well (and not contagious) enough to get back to the gym and I went this morning. I don't think I've ever been happier to be back there. My silly mind was thinking that everyone at the gym would think "oh, I knew it, she'd fall out of it eventually" but of course, it wasn't like that at all. I wasn't feeling GREAT this morning, but regardless, I still pushed myself hard and got a good workout and feel pretty good (though I was a little dizzy when running, so I didn't do much of that).

I have gained back a pound or so since I haven't been to the gym, but my eating was also out of whack. I didn't pack my lunch at all (was sick, didnt feel like going to the store, and so I went out for lunch every day). That set me up for failure all week. Because what's easy? Fast food. I didn't eat great all week. And you know what...despite the slight gain of weight back (thankfully only slight), I'm glad I did that. Because I realize how disgusting fast food really is, and how it was kind of exciting to go get some fries and a burger, but how it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. It was incredibly salty and I just didn't feel great after eating it. So I don't think I'll be wanting to get it again any time in the future.

SO now I know. I have to set myself up for success by planning out my meals and even having them made or ready to make ahead of time. I've known this all along but it was good to reinforce it.

Crazy week!

2010-10-28T05:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy week. I haven't been eating as well as I should and I've missed a few gym days because of work. We've got a huge project going on right now and I've had to be at a client site early...I feel bad about that. I'm itching to get back there. I have this crazy fear that all my hard work I've done until now is going to be wiped out by a few days missed. Of course, that won't happen...I guess it's just my body's way of telling me I need to get back!

Aside from work being crazy, I've had lots of dance activities this week that have kept me busy. Class monday night, performance Tuesday, audition last night for a local troupe (I got in, by the way!) and the week isn't over...I still have things going on tonight (shareholder's dinner) and tomorrow night (a seance! How cool!). Then a halloween party Saturday, and my 1 year anniversary with the hubby Sunday! Wow.

I'm thinking about starting up a yoga class at the gym. It's on Saturdays at 8:15 in the morning. It says it's for all levels, so it might be fun to go and check it out. I'm a little worried, since I don't know a lot about yoga and I'm thinking I might not be able to do some of the moves? I'm feeling less flexible as I'm getting older, but hopefully will reverse some of that with my going to the gym :)

Well, here's to another busy day!

Another reason to be proud of myself today.

2010-10-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a stumbleupon addict (If you haven't tried it out, and want to spend hours of your life stumbling through some of the most interesting sites on the internet, I highly recommend trying it out!). I found a page this morning of all these fall vegetables to try and methods of cooking them.

A year ago, I would have hit the stumbleupon button and found another site, because I was not interested. They would be gross. There was no way I would ever eat them.

This morning, I wrote down about half of them and recipes and stashed the piece of paper away for some experimenting in the next week. There were some things I haven't head of before (tuscan kale? Where does one find tuscan kale??) and some new things to try. The recipes were basically just the vegetable with simple preparation. Things I want to try! How about them apples??

That's very good. I'm not up to trying recipes with 1000 different ingredients in them that I've never had before, but I will get there. I will.

Denial of my progress so far

2010-10-22T05:27:00.000-07:00

Today I had a great workout at the gym. I feel like my confidence is growing, and I don't want to run and find a corner where nobody else is working out so nobody can watch me. I finished the workout this morning off with squat thrusts, 15 of them with 15lb weights. And I did it in the women's area with another person in there. They're such a good workout, and I have really avoided them on my own because I feel like everyone is watching me when I do them, but I went for it today and did really well. It was almost empowering doing them, in a weird way. They're tough, and especially with a 15lb weight in each hand.

I'm proud of myself.

I'm also proud to say that I have defeated my arch nemesis, the FLY (workout machine). When I started at the gym seriously in January or so, I really wanted to defeat the FLY. I could only do it on the easy setting, 12.5, and I felt like my chest muscles were about to kill me. Now, I'm doing it on 70lbs and it feels like it did on 12.5, but maybe a LITTLE easier.

I don't understand it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in complete denial of what I've done. I always second guess myself. Well, MAYBE I could have done 70lbs before? I can do it now, I should have been able to do it before, right? Of course, my logical mind says, uhhh, hello?? You've gotten stronger! But I find it hard to believe. For some reason my mind doesn't want me to believe that I've made any progress, when it's apparent. It makes me think that maybe I just wasn't pushing myself hard enough, when I remember struggling to run at 5.0 mph for more than a few mins. Now, 6.0 jog is my warmup. I only do it for a minute, but I'm not out of breath after it at all. I could probably go for a while at that pace now.

Same with my overall size. I know I have lost weight and slimmed down, and look better than before, but some days I just look in the mirror and I feel like I see the same thing I saw a year ago - way overweight, huge stomach, etc. etc. My measurements and clothes clearly show that I've lost a lot of weight, but sometimes it's hard to see. I guess when you see yourself every day in the mirror. Maybe I could do an experiment where I don't look at myself in the mirror for a few weeks...that would be hard to do, since I use mirrors to practice bellydance, but it would be interesting...hmmmmmmmm....I wonder if I would notice a change at all.

I had to wear a suit yesterday to work and found that a lot of my suits I wore last year (and depended on heavily for work) are now REALLY baggy on me, including one of my favorite jackets that goes with just about everything and can turn anything into a suit magically. It's awesome. I'm SO SAD it's huge on me now. Well, sad that it no longer fits but very happy that I'm smaller.

I don't know why I get into this denial thing. Will I feel this way 20 more pounds down from now?

One more thing...I had a really great performance last night. It was a halloween bellydance show, so a lot of people did some cute things. I did Ariel from the little mermaid and I don't think I can really convey how amazing it was for me to be able to do that. Just like bellydancing in general, I never knew I would have the confidence inside me to dress up as ARIEL for halloween. Well, I did when I was a kid, like, we're talking 1st grade...but as an adult. Girls with big stomachs aren't supposed to be Ariel, right? She's a LITTLE mermaid. But I did it and got a lot of compliments. It was awesome, and really empowering for me.

I'll have more about that over at my bellydance blog.

Apples.

2010-10-20T06:08:00.001-07:00

Losing weight is getting expensive. This morning at the gym, my yoga pants were falling off as I tried to jog. And it was only my warmup jog. So, I guess I’ll add that to the list of things I need to buy! Last week I had the same problem, but I was wearing drawstring pants. I thought that the string was just loose, so I tightened it and it was OK, but I guess this means I’ve lost a little more around my hips. Body, why can’t you lose more around the stomach? My hips are ok! Leave them alone, and focus above that. Please. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining, any loss is good.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m still having trouble grasping that I’ve lost 40 lbs. My stomach still feels freakishly big to me. Yes, it’s smaller than it was…but it still feels really large. That can be kind of discouraging, but I’m trying to not let it be that way. I know that it has shrunk, but wow. It still makes me feel really big. I don’t really know the point when I really realized it was huge and I was not happy with it. I remember before my wedding looking in the mirror and thinking I looked pregnant. I’m kind of afraid, what if it doesn’t ever go away completely like I want it to? Is it truly possible to make it shrink or will I still always have some sort of stomach there?

And that shouldn’t matter as long as I’m happy and healthy. We’ll see where I’m at next year. You know, it’s going to be pretty cool to say I reached my new years resolution for 2010, finally, and next year, what will my resolution be then?

Thinking ahead! Will I feel regret or pride later?

2010-10-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

I’ve been getting very good at thinking ahead when I’m about to eat something. If I feel tempted to go over my calories for the day, I remind myself – is it more important to eat this now and enjoy it, or to be a little hungry/without this treat/etc and lose weight and get closer to my goal? When I think of it that way…the latter always wins. It’s something I’m trying to think about before every bite and it’s really working well! I’m proud of myself.

Workouts are going well without my trainer. I’m still able to push myself hard and I’m feeling a little more confident at the gym, especially on Monday. Nobody’s at the gym on Monday mornings anyway, it seems. There are definitely fewer people. I’m also noticing that it’s a lot easier to get up and go to the gym at 5am. I know it’s good for me, I know I need to do it. And I’ve been doing it for so many months, it’s become part of my ritual. This is a good thing. It’s really starting to be a part of me. And I just love how good I feel for the rest of the day after working out. I’m glad that I’m able to give myself good enough workouts so that some muscles are sore the next day. That’s pretty cool.

My aunt started running in those barefoot shoes, I think. I’m considering trying them, but I don’t think I’m ready for them yet. I’m afraid people would think I’d be looking silly in them. But I do want to try them. Maybe a good thing to ask for for Christmas! : )

Why do we think everybody is being judgemental of us?

2010-10-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

I worked out on my own for the first time yesterday. My legs are a little less sore than they were over the weekend so that’s good, at least. Here’s what I did:

Cardio –
1. Jog for 2 min at 6mph
2. Run for 1:30 at 8mph
3. Walk at 3.6 uphill 13% incline for 2min
4. Run for 2min at 7mph

Abs –
1. 20 leg raises (arms under)
2. 20 situps
3. 20 side crunches, each side
4. 25 Machine leg raises, x2
5. 20 hanging leg raises (hard to do without my trainer there)

Weights –
1. 6 rep lifting cycle (Still don’t know if I’m doing this one right)

That may not make sense to anyone, but I need to keep track of what I’m doing. I think I need to get a little notebook for it. I want to keep track of my records.

I need to add more weights.

I feel like I didn’t push myself as hard as I should have this morning for a few reasons. I decided that I was going to start my workout in the women’s area, which was delightfully empty when I walked in this morning. I was so excited. I pulled over a mat for my abwork after getting off the treadmill, and I got on the treadmill and started walking, so happy that nobody was around.

Of course that didn’t last long. I guess I’m a real grump or something, but I really get annoyed when someone enters my space. I know that’s ridiculous and I need to lighten up, but I was so annoyed to see someone else come workout in what I had deemed to be MY area. Mostly because I didn’t want anyone else watching me while I work out. Listening to me huff and puff away on the treadmill. I know, its completely ridiculous, and the annoyance only lasts for a minute or so…I guess I just wish I had a private place to workout, where I didn’t have to be self conscious. I think that’s why I didn’t push myself as hard this morning. I still feel like I did good, but I could have done better.

The treadmill in the womens area is not as new, big or nice as the one I used with my trainer. It was smaller, and loud. My footsteps were very loud and so that made me self conscious.

I also felt like when I was doing the hanging leg raises (you put your arms through these straps and hang down and raise your legs), it was making me swing too much, and without my trainer there, I looked like I was at a playground. He usually kept his hand behind me so I didn’t swing like crazy, but I just felt ridiculous. I swear there was a guy smiling in my direction and I’m sure it was because I looked funny. Ok, I’m not sure, but that is certainly what it felt like. That’s what it always has to be.

I know a lot of people say to just get over it and push thoughts of others judging you out of your head, but that’s much easier said than done, especially when that is what you’ve done your whole life.

And, you know, 40 lbs lost and I still have the same self esteem issues. Like the guy who looked like he might be smiling at me. In my head, I can’t think of anything but it MUST have been because I looked ridiculous, it couldn’t be that he was a genuinely nice guy and maybe was trying to be encouraging? It could NEVER be that he thought I was cute. Because I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have ever thought that about me in my entire life, and I’m married to one of them.

As I write that and think about it, I almost feel like there’s some strange satisfaction in feeling that way, that nobody ever finds me cute or attractive. It just seems, familiar, I guess. It’s been the case for me my whole life. So I get overly excited when I hear that someone DOES think I look good, or attractive or something. I feel like I need that. My husband tells me daily how beautiful I am, and I really appreciate that, but I just think that sometimes, I need to hear it from others, too. Just to help let me know that SOMEBODY else thinks so, and that gives me hope that maybe others might too.

I’m kind of scared. A big motivator for me to lose weight is that I’m going to end up old one day and feel like I wasted my youth being fat.

Really, in the long run, does it matter? Does it really matter what I look like that much? I don’t know why I care so much what others think.

Don’t know where these self esteem issues are coming from today. Maybe I’m just in some sort of weird funk.

Family Reunion and sore legs!!!

2010-10-11T09:36:00.001-07:00

Saturday was my annual family reunion…It’s mostly with my family from our VA and NC, and I see my VA family a few times a year at least so it’s not a huge, haven’t seen you in forever reunion. And most of my family from NC I don’t really know that well. It’s kind of just a lunch get-together type deal.

I haven’t lost many more lbs since the last time I saw my family a few months ago, but I have lost inches. So I was worried that they might think I had stopped losing weight, which, really, losing inches is just as good. One of the things that I really wasn’t looking forward to was my grandfather’s remarks about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandfather, but he ALWAYS has a remark about my weight. It started a few years ago, when I was working a horrible retail job that I was absolutely miserable at (and was being treated badly), and I was losing weight because of the ridiculous hours I was working with no days off…After I stopped working there, he said that I should go back to being stressed out, because I would lose weight again. Thanks, granddad. So ever since that remark, it’s been just as bad. Especially since I started losing serious weight at the beginning of the year. This weekend it was “I’m happy to see less of you.” Every comment hurts. But it also sort of infuriates me. Yeah, I know it’s not good to be overweight but you don’t need to be mean about it. Why do you care so much how I look, anyway? Am I a disgrace to the family in your eyes?

Whether he means well by his comments or not, I don’t care at this point. To me, they’re all mean-spirited, even if he doesn’t mean it that way.

It was nice, however, to have so many people say things about how good I was looking etc. And my dad sent me a picture of the big group picture we took…At first I was hesitant to look at it. I thought I would look bigger than I felt…But I looked at the picture and was pretty surprised at how good I looked. I was pretty happy to see that.

So I guess this losing inches thing, while my weight has stayed the same…could some fat being replaced by muscle? I feel good about myself, I still want to see the scale drop down, and I’m trying to not focus on the lbs so much right now as inches, since that seems to be where I’m seeing results. I guess from the exercise.

I didn’t go to the gym this morning. Whatever my trainer had me doing Friday hurt my inner thighs so badly that I can still barely walk today (Monday). Seriously. I’m having trouble walking. I think it was the ab bicycle movement on the floor….I guess that jus means I need to keep up with it. But, ugh. I hate muscle soreness. At least it tells me that I’m getting stronger.

8??? Really, I must protest!

2010-10-08T05:31:00.001-07:00

Today was my last day with my trainer. I feel kind of sad about it but at the same time I’m excited about being on my own again. I’m looking forward to trying to improve myself on my own. I see what I need to do.

This morning he had me run on the treadmill at 7. I thought that was my limit. Then he had me go for 7.5 mph. Then 8. I thought he was crazy to have me try 8. I almost said no. It was only for 30 seconds but wow, it was difficult. I’m really glad I was able to do it. I know 30 seconds isn’t much…but 8mph is. I think when I first started at 7mph I was only able to go for 30 seconds and now I can go for a minute or more. That’s cool. That will happen with 8mph in time.

I’ve been thinking about what I need to do in the gym in the mornings for my workouts. I need to:

- Come in, walk, warm up a little like I have been doing, 10-15 mins
- 15 mins of interval cardio – Start with a short, slowish jog. Then walk for a bit, then run at higher speed or walk fast up a big incline.
- Ab work while I’m still tired
- strength exercise to finish (weight lifting)

It’s a good circuit and it’s what we’ve been doing for months now. I’ve worked out with him from the end of July til now, the beginning of October. So a little over 2 months. I’ve lots lots of inches all over, which is great.

190.4 this morning. Doing ok. I’m ready to get into the 180s once and for all next week (It will happen, right now I’m gaining water weight).

I’ll evaluate my solo session on Monday.

Former queen of DDR

2010-10-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve had two really bad eating weekends in a row. I don’t want to have anymore and I promise myself I won’t keep that up. Eating for the sake of eating, not because I’m hungry, is not good and not worth how I feel afterwards.

I feel guilty about it, a little bit, but at the same time I’m kind of glad it happened. It makes me reflect on what my eating habits were like. I used to eat like that EVERY DAY. That’s why I was (am?) so overweight. That’s why I weighed nearly 230lbs. That’s why I was so miserable and had no confidence. I ate just because there was something tasty in the house.

I feel like when that happens, the scale shows a step back from the progress I had been making. Two steps forward, one back type of thing? Doesn’t seem right. I need to motivate myself to not let that happen again. It didn’t make me feel any better about myself. I felt guilty while eating it. I knew I’d regret it and I do. It’s fine to have the not so good foods every once in a while but when you pile them on with other not so good foods at the same time, then it’s a problem. Moderation is something I did not practice this weekend and it’s something I should have.

I weighed myself this morning. 191. I was 188.8 when I weighed over a week ago. I don’t think I had the best week last week either. I think these weekend binges (I guess that’s what I could call them) are hurting more than helping. I need to get back to moderation. I usually start off with good intentions of eating well throughout the day but it just didn’t happen. I can’t let that continue.

In better news, at the gym, I thought I saw some sort of abs while doing some weight lifts. My stomach is so big that I’m sure that it couldn’t have been abs, but my stomach is shaping in a strange and different way from when I’ve lost weight before. I don’t know how it works but I’m happy with what is happening.

Saturday I went and played laser tag and went ice skating with my best friend for her birthday (along with some other friends). Laser tag was great…I requested a free for all game (basically just run around shooting everyone) and we ended up having 24 people so it was insane. I came in 2nd bwahaha. That was a good feeling.
We went ice skating afterwards, since they had a deal going on (unlimited ice skating and laser tag for 10$, plus skate rental, after 7:30pm). I have been ice skating ONCE before in DC at the holidays. I remember it being very difficult and I couldn’t get off the wall once. But I did a lot better this time and actually got up a little speed. It was a lot of fun and I want to go again! But the really rewarding thing was that I wasn’t sore or tired the next day. I know I was the first time I tried skating, but that makes me feel really good, that I’m getting fitter and stronger and am not sore and miserable after physical activity : )

While at the laser tag place, we also played DDR….if you haven’t heard of DDR, it’s an arcade game (you can also get it for home consoles like XBOX and wii). There’s a floor plate with 4 arrows, up left right and down. Arrows scroll down on a big screen and you have to hit the arrow with your foot at just the right time with the song that's playing. It can get fast and difficult, but it’s definitely a lot of fun.
I used to play DDR in high school. Actually my friend whose birthday it was got me into it. We used to go to the arcade and play every weekend. You could find us at the mall every Friday night. People would put a token on the machine to reserve their place in line, to say that they’re next to play. There were some good players. I was one of them. In fact, not to brag, but I was definitely the best female player I’d seen. I know that sounds conceited, but I was, and I’m proud of it. I was REALLY good. I played every day. I could do the most difficult songs on the most difficult settings.
This game, clearly, is also very good exercise, and it’s what really helped me lose 40 lbs while I was in high school. I played the game every day, it was my exercise. I’d put on the workout mode and make sure I burned at least 300 calories. And it was fun! And I was working to be the best DDR player around.
Today, I’m not so good at the game. I stopped playing in college for the most part, only a few times my freshman year. It was pretty hilarious to see my friend and I failing to pass simple songs we used to be so good at a few days ago. I’ve thought seriously about playing again. I’d have to buy new mats, and buy the games, but I don’t know if I want to get into it again. I feel like those days are gone now. Even though its fun, I feel like I need to find different ways of fun exercise (like bellydance). But it’s still fun to hop on the machine once in a while with a friend : )

Progress

2010-10-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

No weigh in today. I'm banned from the scale for a little while. Maybe next week.

My trainer took measurements again today. I've lost inches overall! That's pretty exciting, and kind of hard to believe since I thought my weight had stayed the same. Apparently, I've lost another inch on my arm, and that means that I've lost 3 inches on my arm overall since I started training with him. That's huge! 3 inches?? that's a lot. And for the arm, that seems like a big loss. I'm happy about that.

skinnyemmie.com had a blog post a few days about about how she always feels like those around her don't know what part of her journey she is on. I feel the same way a lot of the time. I feel like everyone around me (even strangers!) should KNOW that I've lost a lot of weight, and that I'm working hard. But instead, I might just look like a big girl to them.

I think I've always had a sense that I feel smaller than I look in photos, etc. Sure, somedays I feel (felt?) like a whale, but usually, I felt a lot smaller than I think I looked. I think the opposite is starting to happen, every once in a while. I'm starting to feel bigger than I look. Especially in some of my bellydance costumes. I feel like, well, the belt is a little tight, so I must look terribly fat...but then I see myself in pictures or in a mirror, and I don't look bad! It's kind of amazing what our mind can do, huh?

But regardless of that, it's still easy for my confidence to drop. Like, when I'm out in public...it's easy to forget that nobody knows where in my "healthiness journey" I am, so maybe I look terrible and out of shape to them. But really...I'm doing so well. Of course I need to remind myself that it doesn't matter what they think, but I feel like I've been judged all my life. Maybe that's just something I have to deal with internally...maybe it comes from all that bullying that happened to me in school. I really think that's where a lot of my insecurities come from. I always think that people are looking at me, and are repulsed by me, even if I felt really great about myself a few minutes ago. And I feel that way because of all the mean things that were said to me. So if a handful of kids went and said those things to me, how many more were thinking them? Right?

I'm not really sure how to overcome that kind of thinking.

A challenge to myself.

2010-09-29T12:28:00.001-07:00

Ugh.

I am completely drained this week. That means I’ve been eating convenient.

I need to change the following:

- I stall when I don’t have a plan. I need to make sure, before I leave the house in the morning, that my meals are completely planned out. I will give myself a little leeway
- I need to always have lunch planned and packed. And I need to start including more protein in lunch, something that will be filling and keep my mind off food. Maybe even bring nuts around with me during the day.
- I also really liked including a small piece of dark chocolate as my end-of-lunch-no-more-eating-til-dinner treat. They’re 50 calories, as opposed to a 100 calorie pack of cookies.
- I need to buy more reliable water bottles (not the disposable kind, the reusable ones) and keep them full and in the fridge so they’re easy to take with me.
- Having a way to heat up some green tea in the afternoon at work would be a nice idea.

Today I went and got lunch. This is bad. I feel like it’s impossible to get a low calorie, countable-calorie lunch anywhere near me. Even salads (like my favorite ones at panera which are delicious) have a good amount of calories to them. There’s smoothies…but I’ve never really liked them all that much. Maybe I could give them another try sometime, but I’m just not crazy about them. I need to always have my lunch with me. The calories are counted and that’s that. It’s also hard when I’m running around like crazy for work (I spend a lot of time traveling from site to site, and it’s not always scheduled). When I get lunch, even if I have few calories for most of the day, lunch throws me off.

I need to change those things. Those are my goals for the next few weeks.

I think the scale isn’t helping either. I know I waffle on it a lot. I love to see my progress. I love to see results. I hate to see my weight increase by 4 LBS after a crazy weekend of dance. Yes, it’s mostly water weight or fluctuations or something, I’m sure, but that really doesn’t help at all. I think I need a break from the scale. I mean, I feel GOOD. I feel good about myself. My stomach feels smaller than it has in years. I feel good overall. My face is thinner. But then I see the numbers and I’m unhappy.

I recall reading a post like this on Skinny Emmie’s blog recently…she had the same dilemma.

So I’ll follow her lead and put the scale away for a month. But that doesn’t mean I get to stop losing weight. I still need to make the effort just as if I were going to hop on the scale the next day and see a change.

That’s my challenge! It will be hard but maybe it will help.

A case of the Mondays

2010-09-27T12:07:00.001-07:00

Thought I’d do a quick update from the weekend and this morning:

Had another great belly dance show Saturday. Something that I discovered that’s changed from before I lost this weight: I’m looking through the pictures trying to find my favorites, but I look great in all of them. I don’t feel like I look “fat” in any of them, actually. It’s a nice feeling.

This morning, I didn’t feel like I had much energy for the gym, but somehow I got some sort of extra burst of energy when running at 7mph (like I’ve said before…I cant run for that fast for that long, only maybe a minute or so, but I’m getting better). So I told my trainer that I could keep going as he was about to turn the speed down for a cooldown period. I’m pretty proud of myself but am not sure how often that will happen. It does give me hope, though, that I can truly do that on my own.

I’m feeling a little blah today. I didn’t eat that well this weekend. I was so nervous Saturday so when I did eat, I didn’t really care what it was. I’m trying to think about my diet a little more and include protein in each meal, since I’m seeing how important that is for working out at the gym.

That’s all for now.

The 180s!

2010-09-23T05:26:00.001-07:00

You know you’re losing weight when the pants you bought to replace your fat pants are starting to fall off, too! I bought a pair of brown, size 16 old navy work pants (very comfy, I might add) when I had lost about 15 lbs or so. My size 18 black pants, which used to fit comfortably, were starting to get a little big

With the way my figure type is (apple), I have problems with pants. Especially when I was at my largest weight. My stomach was HUGE but my hips were narrow. So work pants would have to be especially large so they could fit around my big stomach (since work pants usually go up to the “natural waist” and not the hips, like casual pants). I could wear a much smaller size casual pants because they fit around the hips and not the “natural waist”, but I usually didn’t wear them because my whole, huge stomach would stick out above it and I would feel so fat.

Those days are almost over. I still have a stomach that hangs out. I can’t wait to see it go away for good.

This morning I weighed in at 188.8. I’m in the 180s. Wow. I can hardly believe it. I know it’s just a number but I don’t know if I ever seriously thought I’d get here again when I started this journey. It was just a dream. But dropping into the 180s so quickly tells me that this can happen…this IS happening! I really AM losing the weight again, this time for good.

Yes I weighed in, but I won’t record my weight til Friday or Saturday as I usually do. I will keep that consistent.

I need to take another swimsuit pic of me. I think I’m going to keep that trend up, so maybe I can look and see a little difference. When I tried my belly dance dress on last night and practiced in it, I think I saw parts of me looking different than before. I should…according to Mr. scale, I weigh 6 lbs less than I did during the last recital. So I should look better than last time.

I wonder how long it will take to get to 180…That will be another milestone. I’m getting there. I can do it!

History repeating itself (in a good way!)

2010-09-21T06:40:00.001-07:00

I said I wouldn’t weigh myself before Friday, but I lied. I weighed myself this morning. 190.0. Seriously, scale? Now you’re just teasing me.

I really am looking forward to getting into the 180s. I’m 0.1 lbs away! As of this morning. Maybe I’ll be there Friday, even just a little! It’s pretty awesome. Being the Fall season now, I’m reminded a lot about losing major weight my first time back in High school, the summer before my Senior year. I went from 200 to about 160 (think I might have even dipped down to 155, but my memory is a little fuzzy). I remember my stomach shrinking and being less hungry, and I remember trying to feel how small my stomach had gotten. And I remember my old prom dress being big, and seeing my collarbones actually sticking out, and seeing ribs when I stretched a certain way. I’m looking forward to getting back there.

What’s different this time? Well, in high school I, being a typical teenager, had no thoughts of what comes afterwards. What next? Maintenance? I did well for my entire senior year but college was terrible. I didn’t give any thought to keeping it off. This time, that’s a constant thought on my mind. I’m seeing that I will be able to keep it off. I’m seeing my habits change and I’m understanding that I need to maintain them, and keep going to the gym, to keep the weight from coming back.

It’s September 21. Could I meet my goal weight by Christmas still? Maybe. What IS my goal weight? I think I said 140. 50 lbs to go. Would I be too thin at that point due to my bone structure? I could see ribs in the 160s. Maybe 140 is a little too low. Let’s say 150, and we’ll evaluate from there. That’s 40 more lbs to go. I’m halfway there just about.

What’s my “ideal” weight according to doctors?

Well, I just looked it up. It says my ideal weight is 149lbs, and the ‘medical recommendation’ is 118-155lbs. That is within my reach!

I’m having trouble still believing I’m below 200. It just seems crazy to me. I wasn’t above it for that much of my life, only maybe two years, but I think somewhere, I thought that I’d never get below it again. I felt like I’d be fat my whole life, and that’s just how it is. Sometime last year, I was camping with my dad and some of my stepmother’s family, and one of the women there said that she’d always be a big girl. I think if you adopt that attitude, you will be, because you’ll never do anything to change it. Well, I’m changing it. I’m 6 lbs away from halfway there. It’s taken me the better part of a year, but I’ve stuck with it for the most part and done well. I’m changing the way I think and eat and I’m feeling good and happy. I’m getting close to my next short-term goal, 180. from there, 165, then 150. I can do it!

A new weight record...finally.

2010-09-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

Today I got back with trainer Jack again after having Wed and Fri off last week. I feel like it was a good session this morning, tough, as usual of course. I started to feel a little nauseous towards the end but after walking and getting some water, I was fine. I think it may have been because I had two eggs this morning with milk instead of just one. It might have been too much. That was the only thing out of the ordinary, though.

I weighed in Saturday morning at 190.6. I even weighed myself twice that morning to be 100% sure that the scale wasn’t playing tricks on me again, but sure enough, that’s where I was. I haven’t weighed myself since and think I might try to wait until next Friday or Saturday to do it again. I’ll be happy even if I don’t lose any this week. 190 is pretty cool. It’s hard to think sometimes that I started at 224 and have come this far. I know it’s not that far to some, but it is to me. It tells me that I can do this. And I can go beyond. I’ve done it before, I can definitely do it again.

I love how I feel after working out. I don't, however, love how I feel WHILE working out :)

I like cardio cinema!

2010-09-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't have my trainer session Wednesday. I was at the gym, sort of ready to go, but was having big stomach pains so we decided to meet Friday instead, or Monday if I'm still not over them. So I took it easy on the treadmill, and checked out the new cardio cinema in our little gym for the first time.

The cardio cinema in our gold's was just built. Since the building (which looks like it used to be a grocery store) didn't originally have a room for it, they moved over and took out some weight machines and built a room next to the women's area. So there's this really little room with the big projection for movies in there. I like the room. It's really small, so it was nice and cool and dark in there.

When I went, there was nobody in there...I was all alone. I think the movie they were playing was called the Blind Side (with Sandra Bullock...something about football). I wasn't really interested in it but it was still fun to watch something like that while walking on the treadmill. The room was so small there were only about 12 machines in there, and only one treadmill (???) but that's alright. It was nice being all alone, cool, just leisurely walking...

I feel kind of guilty that I wasn't able to work out hard, but It wasn't really my fault. I wouldn't have been my best and wouldn't have given it my all. Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow but I'm thinking, the way its going right now, that I might be taking it easy tomorrow morning as well. That's alright...I'll pick it back up full force Monday.

I have a belly dance performance tonight. I'm limiting my talk about dance on this blog because I want this to be focused more on my eating habits and fitness and weight loss. Yes, dance is a big part of weight loss but I have so much more that I want to talk about in regards to dance and I want to get in depth with my performances. SO...I started a second blog here. It's not really going to talk about weight loss over there, but more critiques about my performances, thoughts, methods, songs, costuming, etc. Check it out if you're interested in belly dance :)

I'm getting better at running! But still need work...

2010-09-13T06:03:00.001-07:00

So after all my whining and complaining about running, I had a great workout this morning. As usual, I was dreading the inevitable bursts of running my trainer was going to make me do, but I went through it and for the first time, didn’t feel like I was going to die. I felt so good and proud of myself.

The first 15 minutes of my session with my trainer is usually on the treadmill. I’m in there for 15 minutes beforehand just walking (3mph, 1% incline…hey, it’s something!). This morning:
- He started by bumping the incline to 12% and the speed to 3.5. This was his “warm up” for me.
- After that, he brought the speed/incline back to normal for me to catch my breath.
- Next, I jogged at 6.5 for about a minute, slight incline
- Then I caught my breath for about 2 minutes
- Then he bumped the speed to 7.0 for a minute,
- Then I caught my breath (sort of)
- Then we did 7.0 again for a minute, and that was it.

This time, I really tried focusing on my breathing and really trying to push all other thoughts of embarrassment, tiredness, time etc out of my head. I think that worked. I also tried to think about making my body bounce with each step. Maybe this is really me getting fitter. 7.0 doesn’t seem as bad as it used to. I couldn’t believe how well I did this morning. I feel so much better about it. I want to keep it up and be able to go even longer.

Workout spectators????

2010-09-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I've got to write about my gym experience this morning.

So...for the past few days, I've mentioned how embarrassed I get at the gym doing these crazy workouts. Well, today I was on the treadmill at 6:30, walking away, mentally preparing myself for the pain of running I knew was to come. My trainer walks over with his usual greeting and introduces me to a new trainer who's shadowing him today.

This new trainer is from American Family and has been training there for 8 months, and is now coming over to Golds. He's young, fit, and handsome. GREAT! Immediately I began thinking about how much extra embarrassment I'd be feeling this workout. I immediately thought he'd be judgmental and shallow and laughing under his breath at the sweaty fat girl who can barely run at over a minute without looking like she's about to die.

I think, by the end of my workout, those thoughts changed. He was actually very encouraging and nice, and I really appreciated that.

We spent some time in the "snake pit" (aka dance/workout studio) as well. There was another girl in there being trained but definitely not as hard as me (sorry, but it's true!). So, not only did I have a new trainer guy watching me, but I had two others. Ugh. But I sucked it up and did it. I think I did well. Trainer Jack seemed to think so, and he always says that I do a good job. I really do do my best. And I don't think he would say it if he didn't mean it.

Also, weighed in 192.4 this morning. And I wanted to mention - my scale did something really weird last night! I got on and it said 186.6. or something. I don't know why, and I was really confused. I might have been flexing a muscle or something because I was taking my bracelet off but, umm, it was nice to see that. It was, of course, a fluke because I was my normal weight when I got on again, but it was weird.

So, here's hoping for, oh let's say, 191 next Friday. I can do it. I can do better than that. It's time to get into the 180's. I should have done it long ago, but you know what...that doesn't matter. I'll get there. And beyond.

Every workout feels like I'm starting over

2010-09-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

I touched on this a little in yesterday's post but I don't think I really got my point across. I'm terrible about putting my feelings into words, although others might tend to disagree. I feel like my thoughts can be a little all over the place, so when they are (and they are often, I'm sure), I apologize.

Before I started personal training, my workouts were pretty much the same. I'd go in, and get on the elliptical or treadmill for a little while, and maybe I'd do the arm weight machines. I didn't push myself too hard, though I did start running and would go as far as I could before slowing down. I felt good about that. I didn't realize that I could be pushed even beyond those limits.

For my workouts now, I'm just plain exhausted the whole time. Trainer Jack pushes me as far as I will go before collapsing. Every time, I'm out of breath, wheezing, crying, sweat drenched and tired. My legs and muscles are wobbly. I've been training with him for about 8 weeks now. The soreness after the workouts has been rare and not that bad (except for the leg stuff we did last Friday, my legs couldn't move on Saturday). But even despite this, it's hard for me to tell how far I've come. Yes, I know my arms have lost 2 inches since I started training with him (that's a lot!) and I've lost a few inches in other places, and I'm getting stronger and faster, but it's hard for me to tell personally how much I'm improving. Could I jog on a treadmill at a steady pace (and not something crazy like 6 mph at 6% incline???) for an extended period of time now? I don't know. I don't ever have "easy mode" with my trainer. That's ok though, I'm not paying for easy mode, I'm paying for get fit mode.

I do wonder, though, will there ever be a point where everything is so easy that I won't feel like I'm dying when running? Is it just from years of not exercising as much as I should that I'm at this point?

He keeps a book of all my progress so I guess I could see how much I'm improving if I wanted to. He keeps track of how long I run, how fast, what incline, etc, what weights I use, etc. Maybe I'll ask to see that book after the next few weeks.

I guess that's how my improvement with exercise is going to go. It's hard for me to tell a difference. With some things (situps, squat thrusts) I can tell, but something like running seems harder to determine my improvement, if any, for some reason. I'm sure it's improved, it has to have, right?

I guess it won't be like the bodily changes of the losing weight and exercise..with that, it's easy to see and feel just the tiniest changes in your body. One morning my thighs might feel just a little tighter. And in the past few days, my sides have felt smoother, not as lumpy as they usually do. Perhaps I'm expecting to be able to see more changes with the exercise aspect of this and that's just not how it works?

I'll be weighing in tomorrow. I don't expect to be much less than last Friday. I am, however, feeling motivated to get to the 180s FINALLY. I can do this. And when I get to 184, I can say I lost 40 lbs. That's awesome. I'm so close. I can do it.

Gym Embarassment (Sweaty fat blob girl)

2010-09-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

I kind of liked the gym before starting with my trainer. I think I even kind of liked it before he started making me run. But running...well, trainer makes me run when I'm tired. When my legs want to give out from under me. And I hate it...I hate that I'm wheezing and panting and being generally miserable, and I feel like everyone in the gym is staring at me. I'm hot, sweating bullets, and starting to cry of embarrassment. I can't stop because he won't let me. And if I do stop before he says I can, then he'll make me do it again.

I know it's good for me. He doesn't make me do more than I really can. I think he's good at telling when I really need to stop. Even though I might disagree when I'm on the treadmill. It's painful and when I'm on it, I hate it so much. I hate it with a passion. I want to stop and never get on it again. I feel pretty amazing for the rest of the day after my sessions with him, but the running is god awful. I feel like I'm breathing and wheezing and sweating so much and EVERYONE is just thinking how terribly out of shape I am to be sounding like a dying cow. It makes me want to run away. I try not to sound too out of breath but it just can't be helped. Then I get frustrated and want to stop, and in the moment I despise my trainer for making me be that way with others around (I really don't despise him, he's amazing and I love working with him). I just feel like a blob, a sweaty fat blob girl and I don't deserve to be there, making noise and bothering everyone else. I tried to push those thoughts out of my head today, thinking that others aren't worried about me and are just doing their thing, and that helped momentarily, but those thoughts tend to creep back in every now and again. It's ridiculous. I mean, nobody was staring, or if they were I didn't see them. And I see a lot of the same people from day to day so they know that I'm in there consistently and working hard. I just feel like my "working hard" is probably easy mode to them....I'd LIKE to think that people are looking at me and being envious of the intense and amazing workout I'm getting, so I'll try to think about that next time.

I know I'm improving. I just feel like my improvement with running is slow. Very slow. While I'm getting better at other things (I did 20 situps easily today, where I had trouble doing just one all the way up when I just started) I feel like running is an area where I just don't improve that fast. He says I am but it's hard for me to tell when I'm feeling worn out and exhausted and my legs are buckling every time I try it.

And he always makes me run at an incline. Even slight. I'm sure that helps make it more challenging!

I'd like to get to the point where I like running. Where I am good at it and can do it well, but right now it feels impossible to get there.

Weight-wise, I'm still hovering around 193. That's not bad at all but I want to break through it and make it down to the next 10, into the 180s. I need to refocus. I can do it. I'm doing well and have been doing well for a while now, It's time to keep sticking to it and break through into the 180s. I'll be so excited.

Sweaty fat girl

2010-08-31T05:55:00.001-07:00

Last week was a pretty lazy week. I didn't go to the gym at all, though I should have. I feel guilty, but it was actually OK! According to trainer Jack, I'm supposed to take a break from this high intensity interval training every 4 weeks to let my body rest a bit. I was worried that it would be hard getting back into it yesterday, but I was really surprised at myself and how well I was able to handle the running and everything.

Tomorrow is my last paid-for session with Trainer Jack. I can't affford any more sessions right now. It's really tempting to put it on my credit card, but I work hard to make sure those have little or no balance and I'm still paying off the last 12 weeks. Ugh. I'm hoping that I can wait a few weeks and buy another package, but that will just have to be the case I guess. I'll be responsible and not put it on my credit card...and just try to keep up with what he's taught me for a few weeks.

I'm a little nervous about being able to do the things he's taught me on my own. Obviously I can do them, but can I do them alone? Will I be to embarrassed to be huffing and puffing along on the treadmill, or will I feel like a sweaty fat girl doing sit ups on the floor in front of everyone? Probably. But I just have to do it. Maybe music will help. I just need to do my thing. I know most people won't care, or won't pay attention, but it's hard for me to think that they aren't. Also, will I be able to push myself like he pushes me? All I can think about when I'm running at speed 6.5 or 7 and out of breath and my legs are getting weak is how miserable I am and how much I hate the cardio aspect of it. Afterwards, I'm proud of myself for having done that, but during, it's painful and I hate life. During running yesterday I was wondering briefly how people could enjoy going to the gym when I was really hating being that out of breath at the moment. I may not enjoy being at the gym for the moment, but the results and the way I feel for the rest of the day is really good. I just have to keep that in mind, though that's easier said than done while running on the treadmill!

Also, yesterday I started doing those squat thrusts with 15 lb weights. Trainer Jack is crazy. It was really difficult but a good challenge, and I feel good about it.

I think that I didn't stick to my calories all that well last week. Shame on me. I'm not really gaining any weight back or anything though so that's good at least. I am hovering around 193, just like I hovered around 203 for a month. I don't want to keep playing this hovering/plateauing/whatever game. I'm finding my tastes are changing a little too. I realized that I haven't been buying pasta at all for the past few months, something I used to eat a few times a week. I'm slowly working on getting more protein and being more conscious about that. I'm getting tired of certain foods. Like white bread. So this is good.

I've also stopped buying/eating real butter (haven't used that in a while, only in baking and even then I haven't made anything that required it in a while) but i'll have it in restaurants occasionally. Also, homemade mac and cheese (it's delicious. but terrible for me, i know this, and i know how high in calories it must be. it's not even been on my radar screen. I used to have it at least a few times a month!).

Well, here's to a good start to the week. It's going to be a tough week, busy at work and my mom's birthday in two days. But I'm really excited about a 3 day weekend :)

Another weight record. Losing weight is addictive.

2010-08-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

Today, I was 193.0. Not much of a loss since last Friday, but still something. Still my lowest yet (Friday was 193.2). That had a lot to do with eating too much this weekend, but at least I realized what I was doing and got myself back into check.

It shows me how easy it would be to slip back into old habits.

It's funny, when I'm wavering on the scale between numbers I've seen before in the past few days (meaning I've either gained back or stayed the same), I'm not as motivated to continue to lose. Sure, I want to see that lower number, but there is a little discouragement there (not enough to make me want to quit, though!). But When I step on and see the lowest number yet, it's ultra motivating. It's addictive, almost. I want to absolutely stick to my calories more strictly so I can be SURE to see an even lower number the next day.

It's addictive. But can be discouraging when I don't see the results I expected.

I know I've talked about this before, but people say that you shouldn't weigh yourself every day. I think it helps keep me in check. If I ate too many calories one day or didn't eat right, the next day the scale will show that (even if it's just water weight, and I know and accept that it sometimes is). I know that I never want to be back where I was at over 224, and a jump in weight, no matter how small, puts me back on the path to that. I don't want that. Sure I'm going to have days where the scale goes up and that's completely OK. But the less often they are, the better. The further away I can get from that dreadful number, the better.

I was thinking today about how I looked over 30 lbs ago and how I look today. I am looking good, and feeling good. I wish I had measured myself when I started, because even though I haven't lost much weight in the past few weeks, my waistline has gotten so much smaller from personal training. I couldn't believe that I actually had a nice looking figure last night in dance class. I was amazed. I never thought I'd look that good again half a year ago. And now I see that it's so possible, and I'm getting there every day. But it makes me think - will I look at myself 30 lbs lower from now and think that I was soo big? I'm almost ashamed of the pictures of myself at 224+...I really was a big girl. And now, I know I'm still big, but I am feeling so much smaller.

And, wow, 30 lbs from now I'll be 163. I remember the last time I was in the 160's. I was happy. I looked good. I can get there again. It's in my reach. I need to remember that!

I'm thinking about starting a belly dance blog. I saw that someone from my dance community had done so a few years ago with costuming tips but didn't keep up with it. I think I'd like to do something like that, but keeping up with two blogs might be difficult. But maybe not...I don't know if I want to make this one into a bellydance one since I've shared so much personal stuff earlier on, although I do talk about dance a lot. Belly dance is a main motivating factor for losing weight and getting healthy, and it's a huge part of my life. But I think I want to keep my bellydance blog separate. We'll see :)

Being obese is an external symptom of an internal turmoil.

2010-08-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

"Being obese is an external symptom of an internal turmoil.
Unlike an alcoholic who can many times mask his or her problem with a fine linen suit and a breath mint, or the pearly-tooth grin of a man who goes home at night and slaps his wife around, the fat person wears their problem where all can see it and be judged accordingly and immediately."

I found this quote and thought it was really interesting. It came from a woman who lost 550ish lbs . How true is that? Just thought I'd share.

Her article has me thinking about emotional eating. I've never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but I guess I am. If I've had an especially rough day, it's comforting to eat something high calorie (ice cream, pizza) and not worry about it. Or when I'm getting together with friends, I look forward to going out to eat something, or making something tasty, or ordering pizza. Because it's fun to be with them. Or when I'm home relaxing for an extended period of time, It's nice to watch a movie and eat a snack with it. So I guess, in a way, eating can be emotional for me, too? I think that's something I need to be mindful of and hopefully remember. It's easy to forget what I'm working towards when I just feel like eating a good meal. It's just food.

I have a performance tomorrow. Hopefully I can get it recorded better than last month's. My shrinking stomach is looking better in my costumes, too :) If only I could do something about these terrible stretch marks, though.

I don't know why, but today is going to be a good day!

2010-08-18T05:11:00.000-07:00

So, I had a great weekend of doing nothing. Actually, I guess I didn't really do *nothing*, because I did get some chores done, but I did have a nice relaxing weekend.

A problem with that? I eat when I'm sitting around the house.

In the last few months, being so active with dance classes and performances and the gym has gotten my butt up and moving around more. I think that sitting around the house is bad for me. Playing a video game all day is bad for me. Because 1) obviously, I'm not getting any exercise, and 2) It's easy to eat a lot. When my mind isn't focused on what I need to do next and where I need to go, it turns to food. This is not good! It makes me think, I have the time to make a big, high calorie meal, and eat it. So I do.

So I didn't eat great this weekend. Or on my day off. And now that I reflect back on it, I know what I need to do to improve.

Despite having monday off, it was the hardest day I've ever had at the gym. Trainer Jack had me up at 7mph on the treadmill. It was extremely tough. It was almost hard to catch my breath afterwards. I don't like that feeling. He had me go to the floor and do ab work, weights, then back to the treadmill a few times. I really didn't like the treadmill part. Ever since I started running, these sessions have been so much harder. I'd rather do the crazy marine squat thrusts on the floor than run!

But I saw results today, just two days later. Back on the treadmill, running at 7mph (just for about 45 minutes each) twice! Tough, but I did it. And it wasn't AS bad as Monday, but still rough.

(warning, possible tmi ahead!)
Today, my period started DURING our session. How embarassing is that? At least I was the only one who knew, but the cramps weren't helping me stay focused. It helped to do the exercises, but when we stopped, they came right back. I bled all over myself, it was terrible. On top of that, I was feeling really emotional (as does tend to happen...), and as I was doing the squat thrusts and "mountain climbers" (with both hands on the floor, kicking one leg back and bringing the other one to your chest), I just felt so embarassed. I knew people were watching me struggle, cry, whine. There I was, in the land of the muscular guys and people who know what they're doing...fit people...and I look like I'm dying. When I look in the mirror, I'm not as fat as I used to be, but I'm still big, and clearly still out of shape. I almost broke down and cried during the break he gave me...I haven't ever felt so embarassed and out of place at the gym. And it wasn't Trainer Jack's fault, but my own insecurities (I'm sure the whole period thing didn't help...). I sucked it up and continued, but I don't really know why I let things get to me like that.

For some reason, though, I feel like today is going to be good. It's gloomy and rainy, and even though it was rough at the gym, I feel good. I like the way I feel after the workouts...It almost feels like there's new air inside me, if that makes any sense. My lungs feel expanded and it feels easier to breathe. I hope this good (physical and mental) feeling lasts for the whole day, because I like it. And it will be interesting to see what the day has in store for me...if it will truly be a good day, like my intuition is telling me. Maybe something good and exciting will happen. Who knows!

I've lost over 30 lbs, why do I still feel so fat!

2010-08-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously! Why?

Yes I can notice differences, and so can other people. But when I see pictures taken of me recently, I don't know....there's this thing in my head that says I should be totally thin by now! I know that's not realistic, and that I do look better than I did. Somehow, it's hard to imagine how I looked before. I can see pictures, but I don't know. I wonder how I get this weird warped sense of reality when losing weight. I feel smaller than I think I look in pictures. And even more so when losing weight.

I guess I just can't wait to lose the next 30 lbs...

My weigh in was 193.2 this morning. So, a loss of 0.4 lbs this past week. Not great, but I've been gaining muscle and didn't eat as well as I should have this week. That's ok. I'm still losing, even if it's not that much.

Trainer Jack nearly killed me this morning. I can't believe I got through that workout. I gotta hand it to him - we do something new every session, that's for sure. And he's definitely a fan of those squat thrusts.

But he bumped the treadmill up to 7.0 this morning...I was -sprinting-! I haven't run that fast in a LONG time. It was difficult. Then afterwards I had my feet attached to a unicycle thing, and dragged myself around the gym with the knees off the floor. That is -insanely- difficult. I didn't make it halfway across the gym before I just couldn't go any further. Eventually I made it all the way there, but it was REALLY tough and hurt my wrists.

Well...in 3 hours I will begin my shut in weekend. That is, I'm blowing off everything I should be doing except chores around the house, and sitting in my PJs all weekend not going anywhere. Nope. Except the grocery store. But that's it! I have been needing this weekend for a while now. Especially after so many dance activities. I also need to work on a routine for next week's performance. I am a dancin' fool! hahaha.

But I've been so exhausted. So I can't wait. 3 hours and I can go home and crash. and I won't wake up to an alarm on Saturday for the first time in many weeks!!

Your trainer was kicking your butt today!!

2010-08-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

Today at the gym, as I was leaving, one of the ladies in the locker room said that it looked like my trainer was kicking my butt. HAHA. that would be an understatement. I did over 20 of those military squat thrusts (I think that's what you call them - you squat down, put your hands on the ground in front of you, kick your legs back to the ground a few feet behind you so they're straight, do a little hop and bring them back forward to the squat, then come up. All this I did...with a 10 lb weight in each hand!) They get tough after the first few. Really tough. They're the things that I just couldn't finish last week, but I really tried hard this week to do them all. That last one is always the worst though and I'm sure I look really sloppy but Trainer Jack always comments on what a good job I'm doing. He's insane. but awesome. :)

So it was funny that that lady commented on how I was doing. I mean, by the time I get back to the locker room after the workout with him, I'm DEAD. I try to take some time to stretch out and lay on the floor before I can gather the strength to get my stuff together for a shower. So yeah, he was kicking my butt today.

But it's great! It's scary and I want to cry when I see him walk in (not kidding) because I know I'm about to work out super hard, but it's worth it and I do fine. I feel like I'm getting the best workout out of everybody in the gym. No kidding. As I walk by the people just going steady on the treadmill, even if they look 100x better than me, I have this strange satisfaction that I'm doing this workout thing right and I'm working less than they are but so much harder.

I told the girl (she has a personal trainer too, but he doesn't look like he works her out as hard) that I was impressed by her situps (I was!)...she does them on this downward incline. Jack has me doing something similar, with weights, and its really tough on that incline. So I know how hard it is and she was getting up there and looking good.

One more workout this week, Friday. I'm always more motivated on Fridays.

Belly dance recital, water park fun, and the mysterious area of the gym!

2010-08-09T05:56:00.000-07:00

The show Saturday was GREAT!

We rocked with our duet. I think that was one of the best pieces I've done so far. It was great! Everybody seemed to really love it. It's exciting to see the videos and think about things to improve on. I also did a group number, but I won't upload that unless somebody else does - some people get a little upset if they're uploaded without permission, which is understandable.

Sunday after the recital I went back to the water park. Since I've lost 7lbs since the last time I was there and toned up with Trainer Jack, I figured it would be good to take another picture and see if any difference was noticeable:

From 7-11-2010:

From 8-8-2010:

I can see a small difference in my hips and stomach. Hopefully that will continue. Of course, both of these are better than 4-22-10:

Look at that STOMACH! No wonder I hated it so much.

Training sessions are definitely making a difference but man, are they tough. Up til this week I was feeling sick by the middle of our workouts. Not like I wanted to throw up but feeling like I would if we worked a little harder. This morning though, I felt ok, and it really makes a difference! He really pushes me until my legs really don't want to work anymore. I need to remember this feeling after my sessions with him are over. This week we start 3x a week instead of two. But I'm actually looking forward it a little bit. I'm trying to keep in mind that this hard work will be worth it in a few months. My torso gets tighter every day, I'm getting stronger each week and I'm looking better and better. This is great for my overall health. I think I can do a combined 1 hour and 30 minutes each week to maintain it afterward!

Today we started some new things. I guess every day I'm with him we're doing something new, which is a little intimidating but also exciting. In my gym, there's kind of a big middle part with all the treadmills, ellipticals, stair climbers, bikes, etc. To the left, there's the 30 minute express weight machines, and beyond those is the women's section. To the right of the gym though is this big area with the serious weight machines. I've -never- worked out over there in the years I've been a member of the gym. It seemed like the area where only the most muscular people could go. It seemed off limits and forbidden to me. I never knew how to do anything over there and never had any desire to even try. I'd look like a fool!

So he brought me over there and the first thing I thought about is how everyone would be judging me. I'm the fat girl, what the heck am I doing in the area where the serious athletes go? Trainer Jack showed me all sorts of new things (and a few familiar military things too that we've been doing) and it was fun. He gives me a set number of repetitions to do for something and says that he wants me to give him "bonus" repetitions if I can, which I'm trying to do as much as I am able. However for the last exercise, he had me get in a runner's stance with my hands holding weights on the ground and kick my legs back and forth. Normally it would be easy but I'd been working out like crazy for the past 30 minutes so I just could NOT bring myself to do the last one. My legs just wouldn't let me. And I was starting to breathe VERY heavily and almost was afraid I'd be having trouble catching my breath. But he wasn't upset that I couldn't do it. He said Great job and that I did really well. It took me a long time to cool down after this morning's workout but I didn't feel sick, I felt good. Hydrated and good, but very tired.

He's very military!

But I like it! I don't see ANY other trainers working people out as hard as he does!! It's tough. It feels extreme and tiring and VERY scary but I'm really feeling good about the progress I'm making. I think drinking a full glass of water before our session, as well as the cranberries and nuts and skim milk really helped. It was really encouraging to not feel sick or faint with this workout. It makes a big difference. I hope that continues.

The worst thing about these morning workouts though is I drink so much water (which is good, I know) but at work, everyone must think there's something wrong with me as I'm going to the bathroom every 30 minutes for the first few hours :)

Next session: Wednesday. I had a few high calorie meals this weekend so I think I'll refrain from weighing myself until then probably. Dance tonight! Yay :)

What belly dance means to me

2010-08-06T11:27:00.001-07:00

As I’m preparing for the myriad of dance performances coming up in the next few months, I wanted to take some time today to reflect on what this “hobby” means to me.

Although I frequently post pictures and video, I think there are still a lot of family and friends out there who don’t understand what belly dance means to me and may not even understand belly dance in general. Which is OK. I don’t know if I even understood it when I first started back in 2007.

I regret that my mom never came to any of my shows. I regret not inviting her. However, my reasoning was that she wouldn’t be open to it and wouldn’t enjoy going to a show. And honestly, I felt a little bothered that she, out of everyone, didn’t seem to understand how important it is to me. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings by not inviting her, but I really felt as if she would look down on it. I didn’t want to deal with her disapproval of something that I love so much.

So what is it?
Belly dance is sometimes referred to as Middle Eastern Dance. I know some dancers who refer to it only as Middle Eastern Dance because to some people, “belly dance” can have a negative connotation. It’s not stripping and it’s not designed for “men’s pleasure” or anything like that. Rather, it can be spiritual, show-y, and really brings me closer to other women in a supportive and positive way. There’s so much you can do with it – there is a lot of great Middle Eastern music to dance to, though I also enjoy going through my CD collection of video game/movie soundtracks and finding fun, unique songs there. You can dance with props to accentuate your performance and make it interesting, such as a cane, sword, zills (finger cymbals), fans, a veil (usually a large rectangular piece of silk or chiffon or something equally flowy), candles, and much more. There are a lot of moves to learn, perfect, layer and combine – shimmies, chest lifts/drops, circles, maias, snake hips, snake arms, tons of traveling moves and so much more. If that weren’t enough, there are many types of belly dance, from classical Egyptian to American Cabaret, American Tribal Style, Turkish, Greek, Gothic, as well as different fusions like Bollywood and Hula. It’s ever evolving and there’s always something new to learn and experiment with.

I first got into it when I bought a cheap-o $20 set from barnes and noble in 2007 – it came with a DVD, book, zills and a CD. I don’t really know why I got it; I thought it might just be something fun that I could try privately without anyone knowing. Nobody wants to think of a big girl belly dancing, right? The set was created by Fat Chance Belly Dance (they teach American Tribal Style) and taught a few basic moves. I played around with it a few times. When Ben and I went to the Renaissance faire that year, I bought my first coin belt. Just for fun. There was also a bellydancing show, which Val and I got onstage for and followed the dancer’s instructions. I asked her when she was teaching and it magically just so happened that she was going to start a beginner’s session that week. I signed up.

The first class was a challenge. I felt like I didn’t belong there because of my weight (everyone else was smaller than me) and I really struggled each class with whether I should go or not. I didn’t know anyone, but I did enjoy the class and felt like I could do the moves fine. After that session, I got a horrible job and couldn’t take any more classes for a few months.

Enter Feb 2008. I met my second teacher who was having classes near me. I’ve learned so much from her and continue to learn every class. She has helped me tremendously with getting the moves RIGHT.

Then I went to my first show.

I think that first show changed me forever. It was a hafla after one of the Queens of the Universe shows down in Colonial Heights. I loved the costumes, the music, the dancers. Everybody seemed so nice and supportive of each other, clapping along and smiling. It was incredible. And the part that struck me the most – there were girls my size and larger who were up there dancing and not only were they incredibly beautiful, they were AMAZING! I saw them and thought, “I can do that! Why CAN’T I do that?” From then on, I knew I wanted to perform. I wanted to choreograph a piece of music and perform in a show just like them. I felt confident that I could do that, and so I did. I had my first performance in a nursing home in 2008, then shortly after that I performed at a hafla. I bought a flashy bra and belt set, a gorgeous skirt, jewelry, put on sparkly makeup and glitter and danced, bare-tummied in front of people. That night I also met my third teacher, who is also incredible and I’ve learned a lot from her about stage presence (something I continually work on).

If you had told me years ago that I would be belly dancing, in front of strangers, I would have laughed at you. Seriously laughed. I would never in a million years have imagined myself performing. But I’ll never forget the feeling I got at my first hafla. I had on this incredibly sparkly eye shadow and when I looked up at a particular point in my piece, I could see glitter through my eyelashes. I felt great. The audience was clapping along and smiling at me. It was truly magical. Nobody was looking disgusted by me. Everybody said I looked beautiful and that I did a good job.

So what do I like about belly dance? I don’t know if I could pick just one thing. I’ll be honest, one thing I enjoy is being the center of attention for a few minutes. I love getting dressed in a crazy glittery sequined, beaded costume with sparkly jewelry and makeup (which I never wear otherwise), doing something that I love. I don’t know how to I describe WHY I love dance…There are those few songs (I’m sure every belly dancer has them) that just makes me –want- to dance. I feel like I NEED to dance. I feel good doing it, and each year I improve my movements and skill. I feel more and more confident about my ability.

I feel that when I’m not dressed up and in front of an audience, that I’m just plain old me, boring and not exciting. I don’t enjoy the feeling of getting home after the show and taking off the makeup and costume, because I’m plain again. But when I’m Gaia (my dance name), dressed up and ready to go, people pay attention, and nobody is judging me (or at least if they are, I can’t tell)…I’m not getting disapproving looks, people are smiling and entertained by what I’m doing, wearing, etc. It’s incredible, and something I’m not used to but very much enjoy.

Belly Dance has really brought out a confidence in me that I didn’t know I was capable of having. I guess being a girl who has -always- had self esteem issues (and continue to), it makes me feel good about myself. ESPECIALLY with such an amazing community of dancers of all shapes, sizes, ages, etc. It doesn’t mater WHAT you look like. Everybody looks AMAZING! From the best dancer to the most absolute beginner, anyone who takes the stage to belly dance in front of an audience is the most beautiful person in the room. I’ve made so many new friends through belly dance in the past few years. I have no desire to ever be famous dancing. I just want to do it because I love it.

I think that’s why I love it. Because it’s for everybody.

I’ve lost 35 lbs so far. A main motivating factor for this has been belly dance. I’m working with a personal trainer to gain strength and ab muscles. I want to do smooth, visible belly rolls one day. I’m working hard to eat better. I want to be a better dancer. If I didn’t belly dance, I might not have started to lose weight at all. Or if I did start, I may not have continued. Dance has become so important to me. I’m practicing every day and taking classes three times a week and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I don’t miss having the free time at night because belly dance is FUN! I enjoy doing it. I’m learning to costume and sew and I’m good at making choreographies. I’m looking forward to losing more weight and toning up more so I can be an ever improving dancer. I can’t wait.

If you ever want to come to a show to check it out, let me know. Also, thanks for taking the time to read a little bit about me and something that is so important to me. : ) I hope I don’t come across as arrogant or anything. I’m not the worlds best dancer by any means. That isn’t even important. I have a list of things to improve on to make myself better and I intend to do that. I just want to do what I love, to do what’s fun, to share what I love with those that I love. That’s all.

XPosted to Facebook Notes

193!

2010-08-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

Horray! Yet again, I'm down to my lowest weight yet, 193! I'm inching towards my short term goal of 180.

Also, this means that last time I went to water country a few weeks ago, I had just made it under 200, and when I go this weekend I will be 7lbs lighter than the last time I went. That's cool. Another two piece this weekend? I think so! (May even buy myself a new one this afternoon!) I think that following some of Trainer Jack's advice about meals is helping. For the next week, I'll be having grilled chicken with a salad or collard greens for dinner every night. I think that's an awesome dinner! Healthy and low calorie.

I'm seeing some crazy results from my my time with trainer Jack. Wow. I laid on the floor and couldn't believe how much smaller my stomach is going, and how much I'm shrinking around my stomach. It's great. It's hard work, though. I'm only with him for 30 minutes but I'm getting the best workouts of my life. They are really hard, and I'm getting pushed as far as I can possibly go without passing out or getting sick. I hope it will get easier a little bit but I'm happy that I'm getting stronger and seeing results so fast. Next week, I'm starting to train with him 3x a week. I only paid for 12 sessions and definitely won't be able to afford any more for a while, but hopefully I will be able to keep up what he has taught me and I can push MYSELF when I get in to work out. I need to push myself. That's the only thing I'm worried about not being able to do. I mean, I'm starting to dread my sessions with him a little right beforehand, because I know he's about to come over and bump up the treadmill to some crazy incline, but I've done it, and did my best, and went until my legs were about to give out under me. He somehow is able to sense that and brings it down and tells me good job. I feel good that I'm really getting the absolute most out of my workouts, though.

I've been going non stop this week. Really. It's been sleep, workout, work, dance practice/class, sleep again! I've had time for nothing else. I have my show TOMORROW! Practice tonight, tomorrow morning, setup, getting ready, friends coming over and then we go! I'm really excited. I'm feeling good about how I'm looking and I'm excited to show off my slowly slimming body :) Pictures and video to come Saturday or Sunday!

Bullying and Forgiveness

2010-08-04T08:30:00.001-07:00

Weight update: I'm feeling stuck right around 195lbs right now. I don't really know what's going on, but I just hope I can get past it soon. I'm exercising, eating in my range...Even though I've lost 30 lbs so far, I feel still rather large. Which is strange. I mean, it seems when I reach my lowest weight yet, even just by a pound, I feel good. But if I linger, I start to feel just as fat as I was when I was nearing 230. I looked at some pictures taken of me this weekend and I feel like I look like a whale. I was kind of excited to see some nice calf muscles developing but I was still disappointed by how I looked overall. It confused me. I've lost 30 lbs, I should look good, right? Well, maybe not. Maybe I need to lose another 30 before I can start looking at pictures of myself and stop being critical. Maybe I won't ever stop being critical of myself. *shrug*

Anyway.

This weekend there was a new show on, something about high schools doing something called "challenge day." Apparently, it's a big motivational speaker thing, and the kids get into groups and talk about what's going on in their lives. It seems like a positive thing, and I think I would have appreciated something like that as a kid. They also had the whole school stand on one side of a line, and then had anyone who was ever called a name because of their weight cross the line and face the others who didn't have to cross. I like the concept. I have a hard time thinking that some kids would take the event seriously, but I think I would have liked to share my feelings about being picked on then and hopefully it would have stopped.

I've mentioned before I was bullied in middle school, and a few weeks ago I found a letter my mom wrote to the school about someone who was picking on me and giving me grief. For some reason, when I remmeber being bullied, I remember a couple of girls in particular who were terrible. The letter included another girl, who I don't remember messing with me at all, but when I read it, I vaguely remember it. Could it have been that bad that I blocked it out? Or is that memory just overshadowed by a few other particular events that were worse?

I have issues forgiving those who gave me a hard time about my weight, my thick hair, my stretch pants (jeans were uncomfortable...), and when I did get a pair of my stepdad's jeans and wore those often, people started to comment and said I wore them too much.

Here's some things that I think continue to affect me today due to what I went through:

-To this day, I'm afraid people will think less of me if they think I wear the same clothes two days in a row, or in the same week.
-I'm self conscious about my elbows and knees, since I used to have growths on them from rapid weight gain in 6th grade, and would be made fun of for them
- Low self esteem, low confidence
- spit balls make me want to vomit
- I feel ugly when my hair is frizzy and big.
- being fat has become comfortable and familiar

Here's what I remember of 6th grade:

I remember getting spit balls thrown at me in 6th grade.
I remember a boy saying I had warty knees (they weren't warts...)
I remember putting a band aid with a dab of red nail polish over my knees to hide the "warts" and make it look like I skinned my knee. That's more normal than the skin growths I had...
I remember sagging my gym shorts to hide my knees.
I remember dreading gym just for having to show my knees.
I remember shunning another girl who was more of an outcast than myself because the "cool" girls did and hopefully they would like me more if I didn't appear to be friends with her (she was really a nice person, just a little different)
I remember the DAY I wore jeans for the first time to school with a black calvin klein shirt, and feeling great. People commented and stared, and I felt cool.
I remember then being made fun of because of the hole in the jeans that I began to wear more often...
I remember having two friends in my class that I would sit with at lunch, and feeling utterly alone when they were sick or out that day, because some of the people who picked on me sat at the same table.
I remember being terrible at sports in gym, and one of the boys screamed at me that I couldn't hear anything under my thick hair that was like dog ears...
I remember going home and dancing to Pure Moods after school and making myself feel better.
I remember having issues sleeping every night.

I've had a couple of my former bullies friend me on facebook. One I accepted because I forgot who she was (she had a different name) and I later unfriended her. One has tried to add me twice, I've rejected them both. If I've forgotten that one of them bullied me, is it possible that they forgot that they made my life miserable? 6th grade was one of the worst years of my life. I suddenly had no friends. People I considered friends in 5th grade were suddenly walking around the hall in a priss walk with their box purses and snubbing me. I didn't understand. Suddenly, I was one of the most uncool people ever. I was dirty. People didn't want to be around me, except for others who were bullied and made fun of. And it was only a few of us.

Thinking back on it makes me very angry and bitter. Part of me wants to write a letter to each of them telling them I have issues thanks to them and they really hurt me a lot. I wonder if they would even care. Maybe they would think I was mental and making it up. Maybe I can write an open letter sometime. Just to nobody in particular, just for everyone to see. What would I say?

Bullying is something that really gets me fired up when I hear about it. I know I need to practice forgiveness, I think about that and try to work on it often. But I am going to have to work really hard on forgiving those who bullied me. It just pisses me off when I think about it. I didn't deserve anything that happened to me. I didn't understand it, either. Friends suddenly hated me! It made no sense. Was I still in a 5th grade mindset?

And would I have been bullied if I wasn't overweight?

Maybe this weight loss will help me work through those issues a little bit. Maybe it will be easier to forgive when I'm feeling better about myself.

My stomach shrank overnight!

2010-08-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

Training session 3!

I like Trainer Jack. He's really cool. Very militant. Uses a lot of military techniques, he says.

This morning...it was REALLY difficult to get up at 5am and get ready for the gym. I was tired. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep. and if I didn't have an appointment, I totally would not have gone. So it's good I have a trainer. It made me go to the gym. I usually feel better when I get out of bed and get there, but I'm still dragging today. But I did have a good workout. I haven't had a "so-so" workout since I started with him, actually. We're really stepping it up.

I was on the treadmill at 6:10am (our appointment started at 6:30) and I was enjoying the last few minutes of easy mode on the treadmill, getting a little afraid of him coming over and bumping up the incline. I bumped it up myself to 7, which was tolerable. I was getting a little warm, but thought it was a good increase. Well, he comes over and bumps it to 12. Oh my gosh. We did the same interval training as the other day, and its nothing more than I can handle but it's really pushing it. It's good for me, I need it.

After that, off to abs. He said that I was doing the exercises better than last week, which I was, though some are still challenging. One I just couldn't do. Balancing myself on my bum with my legs and back off the ground. It doesn't sound too bad but I just could NOT do it. Even with him holding my back up. And after all that, we did some challenging arm stuff with this weight thing...I don't really even know how to describe it. It's like a weight, with two handles, that you lift. Apparently they do something similar in the marines with stones. He was apparently in the military, even spent some time in Tunisia and saw bellydancers there :) pretty cool.

I think it's crazy that I'm seeing results *ALREADY*. It's been a week! I swear, on Saturday my stomach had shrunk overnight. I don't know what happened, but it just seemed smaller. Trainer Jack even said it looked smaller just from last week. That's pretty cool. I'm a little worried that my stomach will shrink but I'll still be left with a giant upper torso :( hopefully not. Hopefully that will shrink too. In time...

I did get down to 194.4 Sunday AM. So that's the lowest yet. Not by much, but it's still something. I'm thinking I didn't plateau, just gained some muscle maybe? I also think weight loss has slowed down a lot, which I don't want it to. But muscle is important too so I'm trying to keep that in mind. I think my metabolism has started to speed up too and I'll need to be eating some more calories in the day. Which is cool, I can deal with that!

Last weekend, the hubby and I went out to play laser tag with some friends. I've never played before and, being the geek girl that I am, have always wanted to try but never really wanted to go because I didn't want the experience to be ruined by kids. We went to SkateNation, it has an indoor ice rink, and big arcade. We played ddr beforehand (I lost my 40lbs a few years ago playing ddr, and I was really good!)...I'm not so good anymore, but it was fun and brought back memories. But laser tag was SO MUCH FUN! There were the 4 of us, and then 3 kids about maybe 8 years old max. They kind of were doing their own thing, and when they kept shooting at me, I would say, "you got me!" and they would skitter off, so I could continue trying to stalk my hubby. It was a blast. It was a free for all game with unlimited ammo so we could just go around shooting for 18minutes, it was amazing! I didn't get tired or anything and just wanted to go again, but everyone else was too tired for another round (plus ddr) so we decided we'd try again another time. I can't wait!

I've got a big weekend coming up! This upcoming weekend has been a major focus for my weight loss this whole summer. It's very important. I have my big recital Saturday (pics and videos forthcoming!). I've got 3 pieces (solo, duet, group number) that I'm working on and feel good about. I feel good about being in my costumes. Then Sunday, water country again! Horray, water. An exciting weekend with my two favorite activities, dancing and water!

Pullups? I haven't tried those since 10th grade..

2010-07-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

Feeling less sore today, but still sore! I was scared, because this morning I had my 2nd appointment with trainer Jack. I told him about being sore, and I really appreciate that he won't push me harder than I am able to go. Don't get me wrong, he definitely pushes me, but not to the point that it's unbearable. I do appreciate that.

First thing- I'm walking away on the treadmill, doing just fine, got a little incline going and some speed, and he comes over and bumps the incline up to 7. Ok, wow, never had it that high before, but I was doing alright. I started to get a little tired after a few minutes like that, so he puts it back down and I'm doing ok. Calf muscles are starting to get a little tired. Then, he bumps it up to 8 for a minute, and bumps the speed, then back down to let me catch my breath...then to 9! When it was time to do 9, I was ready for it, and did fine.

I read an article about this a few weeks ago. Interval training. It's supposed to be much more beneficial than just running for an hour. He says that after 20 minutes, there’s not much more results to be had. I like this idea. That I’ll be in the gym for 45 minutes and get an amazing workout. I already feel pretty dead after 30 minutes with him. It makes me feel better about thinking about the future – that I won’t need to be at the gym for 2 hours running on the treadmill to get the best workout. That 45 minutes, 3 times a week, but working HARD and really pushing it is going to get me where I want to be. Also, it’s better for fat burning.

I needed this. I needed this push. When the treadmill or elliptical gets tough, I don’t push myself as much as I could. I say, that’s enough and slow down. But with someone looking over my shoulder telling me to go another few seconds, it makes a big difference. I hope I can keep it up after our sessions end.

Today he showed me one of the ab machines I’ve seen people on. I was always too afraid to get on those things because I didn’t know what I was doing, and thought people would be looking at me. This one was kind of fun though, you sort of just twist your lower body around, back and forth. I liked it.

He also brought me over to this pull up machine I’ve seen. Um, pull ups?? That’s a scary, scary thing to me. Pull ups? Seriously?? I really didn’t think it would be possible for me to do one, even with the machine helping, but it was definitely was possible. I did a few, but it was difficult towards the end.

Breakfast – he told me to eat almonds, cranberries and skim milk. I liked the cranberries, the almonds were OK, I guess. The breakfast definitely hasn’t kept me full that long. I’m already hungry at 10, which I’m not usually if I have my usual English muffin and OJ. Maybe I should add an English muffin to all that? I might change up the almonds for something else. I feel like they made my mouth so dry.

Before I left,he gave me an interesting article with foods for getting fat off the gut. Here are the foods it suggests:

Apples
Eggs
Coffee
Almonds
Bananas
Salmon
Yogurt
Cinnamon
Oatmeal
Dairy
Chili Peppers
Grapefruit
Green Tea

Interesting. I love just about everything on that list. I usually have a banana or apple every day with lunch (love both!), eggs, tea (I’m an addict). I had cut back on dairy lately, but I guess that glass of skim milk a few times a week is OK. Oatmeal is something I want to work on including more. Or just trying. I got the real oat stuff that you have to cook, not the instant, and maybe I’ll add some cinnamon to it. I just felt like all the times I’ve had oatmeal it felt like cardboard.

Im hungry. I really am. I don’t want to delve into my lunch early but I might need to. One thing I have noticed since I've been doing this is how much my hunger has decreased. 1200 calories used to be rough. It used to be that I was really hungry in the evening. It wasn't enough. But I came from eating whatever I wanted and however much I wanted. Now, it's very different. Yesterday, for instance. I only had about 1000 calories and really didn't need to eat anything else, but I ate anyway (wasn't happy about eating when not hungry) because I've heard its not good to eat less than 1200. I try to remember that.

Well, tomorrow I will weigh in and see where I'm at. I think I should be 194 something. Same as last week, sigh. But I'm trying to keep in mind that it could just mean muscle. I've done really well this week so it shouldn't matter anyway.

Progress this week!...?

2010-07-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

Woke up today to 195.8. WTF? That's pretty annoying. I *should* have lost weight yesterday and today but didn't. What happened? Is my body building muscle? Is this EXTREME soreness I'm feeling muscle building? I'm not happy that I gained weight back. I mean, yeah ok, if it's muscle then I guess that's a good thing, but I'm trying to lose weight. Did I lose fat but gain muscle? I feel good. My face is so much thinner than it was in November (I looked at pictures last night. I can't believe how big my chin was!) and so is my stomach. I'm trying to stay positive about this gain and hope that it is muscle and not that I was that off on my calories.

But I hurt more today than yesterday! So what IS this?

This site says:

"delayed onset muscle soreness occurs when the muscle is performing an eccentric or a lengthening contraction. Examples of this would be running downhill or the lengthening portion of a bicep curl.

"Small microscopic tears occur in the muscle," he says.

The mild muscle strain injury creates microscopic damage to the muscle fibers. Scientists believe this damage, coupled with the inflammation that accompanies these tears, causes the pain.

"The aches and pains should be minor," says Carol Torgan, an exercise physiologist and fellow of the American College of Sports Medicine, "and are simply indications that muscles are adapting to your fitness regimen."

Another question: Does this burn extra calories, since my body is using energy to adapt? IS it using energy to adapt?

My next appointment is tomorrow and I'm more sore today than yesterday. I'm worried I'm going to be hurting badly tomorrow too, which won't be good for doing these workouts again. I hope I'll not be that sore, though. And dance class tonight? I don't know how I'm going to do it! Guess I just need to suck it up!

Hi, I'm icedteagirl, and I'm a cheese puff addict.

2010-07-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't had any lately.

I don't think I've talked about them on here before. I try not to think about them. There's a special brand of cheese puffs, Nibbles with Gibbles or something like that.

They are the most amazing things ever....

Whenever I find them, I don't buy just one bag. Oh no! I buy at least 4. I can eat an entire bag and a half in a day (haven't lately, so I'm not sure if this is still true). We're talking a full size bag of puffs. And they aren't filling. If you let them melt in your mouth, you'll find that they're comprised of a lot of air and some cheese dust (it seems). The bag says they're baked, and made of 100% real cheese.

And they're incredibly addictive!!

I used to eat them as a kid. I have fond memories of being a 2nd grader, and during the summer eating a bowl of them while watching inspector gadget, then going to the pool. I remember the grocery store we would get them at (store is no longer there). I went for many more years without having them, then I finally found them at wal-mart in high school. And college. They seemed to always be sold out or nearly sold out. I tell you, these things were POPULAR! And one day...Walmart stopped carrying them! I will never understand it. They seemed to always sell out. So I hunted around, and found them at another little (kind of sketchy...ok, REALLY sketchy) store near me, where they were just as popular but also sold out frequently. This store has recently closed as well. I know of three places that sell these things. One in Orlando near where we stayed when we went to Disney, one in the Shennandoah valley, and one in Pennsylvania near where I stay when I travel for work. That's it. And it's been so long since I've been to these places, they might not sell them anymore. But when I do find them, I stock up. And that stock doesn't last long. Maybe a few days. Then I want more before I leave the area, and usually eat all of those too. This is not healthy behavior.
The last time I had them, I ate so many I got sick that night. I try to remind myself of that. That they aren't good for me. That there is no nutritional value to them.

I think part of my problem is the happy memories I associate with them. Actually, that might be a big part of it. They make me feel happy when I eat them. Yeah they taste good, but it always reminds me of summers at the pool with my mom.

I kind of feel like an addict. If I found them now, It's hard to say I wouldn't buy them and blow my diet for a day to just gorge myself on them, disregarding that I got sick before. I know this sounds silly, but this is really the only "food" (can an unhealthy cheese puff even be considered food?) that I really have a problem with. It's hard to say I do have a problem with it because I haven't been around them in months, but if they were available in every store, what would I do? Would I weigh 10lbs more than I do now? 20? Maybe..I don't know. If I really DID find them now, what would I really do?

I am a cheese puff addict. It sucks, but I really do think that if I want to continue on being healthy and losing weight, I need to not tempt myself with ever buying them again. If I bought them, I doubt my ability to eat just a serving. I SERIOUSLY doubt I would only be able to eat a handful. Because that's not what was fun to me about eating them. It was more fun, and tastier, to eat a lot.

I'm not like that about other foods! It's weird. And maybe it really is all about the memories I have with them. I know I ate a lot of them when my mom died.

Thankfully, I don't know of any stores that sell them anywhere around me. Whenever I am in a different area, though, I make sure to check out grocery stores JUST TO SEE if they would happen to have them. Usually they don't. That's good.

I kind of wish I could forget them. I think I need to stop searching them out. Who knows what would happen if I got my hands on a bag. Maybe one day I'll be able to eat some without feeling like I need to eat them all.

I'm a champion! Measuring inches with costuming and my start on ab work!

2010-07-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

Big update!

First...this weekend, I feel really good about how well I ate and did well. I'm down to 194. Yay! That's cool. I feel like my next short term goal of 180 is in sight and closer than I think! That's really exciting. I mean, I CLEARLY remember when I was 180 last time, just a few short years ago, and cannot wait to be there again. And beyond...I will do it. I feel really good about my progress over the past few months. It was slower than I wanted, but it's still progress. I really am going to get there. I really am going to be skinny one day. It's really going to happen.

I'm getting ready for a belly dance recital on August 7th (big recital, I'm performing in 3 different numbers). This recital happens every year. Last year, I danced to a fun song (Shake Senora by Harry Belafonte. Most people know it from the beetlejuice movie) and I can't even look at my recital video for very long without turning away. I'm so embarrassed by it. I was the biggest I've ever been. I still enjoyed the recital and people thought I did a good job, but I just feel like I can see how not-confident I was, and my ability to do the moves now is so much better compared to being 30 lbs heavier. So that was last year. This year will be different.

For dance, I have a bra and belt. They're made in egypt, heavy, have tons of beads and are pretty expensive for being hand made. Regardless, they're very beautiful and I love mine. It's gold. And shimmery and pretty. When I first bought the set two years ago, The belt was too big and the top was too small (story of my life when it comes to buying stuff like this!). No problem, Lucy (awesome lady and dancer who runs the store) gave me tips on how to fix it and sent me on my way. Well, I barely knew how to sew then. So I did this pretty hack job on the back of it with glue, non-matching elastic and safety pins. It looked fine on me and you couldn't see any of that stuff (especially since I had long hair last year which covered the back) but if you examined it closely, it was pretty terrible. I even put hanging beads around my stomach to hopefully distract from my large stomach (I removed them this weekend). This year, I'm feeling a bit better about my sewing capability and was able to properly sew everything into its place and it looks well done! I was even able to undo the straps and make it a halter instead of having two straps (halters work with my body better for some reason, I look better in them than straps!).

The belt, pictured below, needed adjustment as well. It's a lot easier than the bra, because I just needed to sew new hooks further into the belt since I've lost so much weight. Here's the picture:

Where the tape measure starts is where the hooks were for last year. This year, they're past the 4 inch mark. 4 inches! That's a lot! I don't really believe it. I think that second pair you see next to the old hooks were from last year too, I wanted to make the belt tighter so it wouldn't fall off but it made me look like a muffin top so I kept it at the old hooks. I don't really remember, I'm just really happy to be able to see a measurable loss. I'm hoping that I may even move the hooks even further in before the recital, but we'll see. I'm thinking that may be the case since I started today with my...

PERSONAL TRAINER!!!!

One word: OW.

I was so nervous about starting sessions with him, but he was very nice, I like him a lot. I got to the gym early (about 6:10, appointment was at 6:30) and walked on the treadmill for about 20mins. He comes over around 6:30, increases the speed and incline, and says he'll be back. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, so that was fine. He also told me to always swing my arms on the treadmill (I was holding on, I have a fear of falling off!), so that's something for me to work on.

(Also: When I got on the treadmill, my heart rate was 100-110 something. I was excited. My starting heart rate has really decreased a lot over the past few months! When I got off it was 140ish. )

After I got off the treadmill, we immediately went to another area for ab work. GREAT! I need to work on my abs (hence the name of the blog!). I want a nice stomach for bellydance. I want people to enjoy looking at my stomach. I want to feel good about putting glitter on it for performances (which draws the eye there) and jewels and things!
So we did this cycle of ab workouts (works upper, lower and sides), which I am to do every time I get off the treadmill and immediately after. The first one was the hardest. I lay on my back, feet pointed, off the floor, hands behind the head, coming up off the floor and moving the shoulder towards the knee. It was painful.

Then lifting my legs off the floor at 45 degrees. This was hard too. My legs started to feel so heavy.

Then laying on my side and sort of curling the side, both sides. This one I had NO problem with. I wonder if dance had something to do with it? I think maybe...or maybe this one is just easier in general.

Then a sort of sit up thing. omg.

I had trouble standing up. Was starting to feel a little faint, but was ok once I got some water. He took my measurements - yay, I can see my progress in a few weeks!

Then we went to do some squats and arm things with a 10 lb weight in each hand. I was feeling really icky and had to lay down. I really thought I might be sick a few minutes there...but after laying down, stretching, and getting a cool washcloth it was ok. Blah. I felt bad. I guess I really am a fainter, huh. Embarassing, but at least I was ok and DIDN'T actually faint.

After a few minutes, he brings over the other girl I've been watching work out with him, the one that reminds me of me somewhat. She says she threw up the first time she worked out with him. Good thing I didn't know that before today! I would have been so scared.

I feel good, though. I mean, my legs don't really feel good, I can seriously barely lift them. I had trouble putting my pants on after my shower. Seriously. My abs are weak but my legs are the worst.

He says I need to have almonds and cranberries and a glass of skim milk before my workout. Milk? Hmm. I broke the milk habit. But if he says it helps, then I guess it can't hurt a few days a week. Almonds and cranberries? I don't know if I've ever even HAD cranberries. I don't even know what to look for when I go to the store. Dried? Canned? And almonds...well, I like nuts, so I guess that will be ok.

But can you imagine...what if, in a few months, I actually have some visible abs? That kind of blows my mind. Me? Abs? I never thought I wanted that, but after today's workout, I'm thinking...what if that's really going to be the case in a few months? I know it will be a lot of work, but wow. It's kind of exciting to think about showing people my "abs" instead of a flabby round stomach. And when I'm dancing, people in the audience seeing a fantastic stomach! Wow...I kind of want it. Then, life can be hard and my abs can be, too!

Before I left, he said that he only trains champions, and that's why I'm with him. I think we'll get along well :) I want to be a champion!

...What have I gotten myself into??

2010-07-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was at the gym and eyeing this trainer in particular that I think I've mentioned before. He looks really nice, he's kind of bald and has a moustache, and just seems friendly. Then, theres this girl that uses him and he's got her doing sprints across the floor and stuff. It looks like he makes sure you get a good workout.

So I approached him and asked about getting training sessions with him. Maybe it's time for me do do that. I feel like my workouts are kind of the same every day and maybe I need to step it up to really get into better shape. I always seem to burn 300 calories every day, and feel like I should continue to be able to burn more and more. Today, I did run on the treadmill a bit and ran an entire "lap" (according to the machine) and walked two before doing arm weights. That isn't bad, right? The machine said it was a mile though it could have been lying. But still, I need to step it up. So I signed up for 6 weeks with him. It's a little pricey but maybe after then I will be able to do alright on my own. I told him I'd lost 30lbs so far and he seemed shocked. He also seemed shocked that I bellydance, haha.

But I'm a little afraid. I know I need to do it, but I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up. I mean, the lady he was with today was running on the treadmill, then doing situps on the floor, then running on the treadmill again....hmm. I want to get in shape but he seems like a bit of a drill sargeant. But I probably need that so I need to suck it up and do it.

Life goes on

2010-07-20T13:17:00.001-07:00

Today, my great aunt passed away. It was expected - she has been very sick with very advanced liver cancer for a few months now. My aunt (it was her mom that passed) is very close to me. She's almost become like a second mother to me after my own mom died suddenly last year.

So I guess it goes that I've been thinking about my mom today. I mean, I think about her every day. And I don't think I've ever properly had the time to grieve because so much happened right after she died and continued to happen for a year after that, so I never was able to sit down and be sad for more than a few minutes...anyway, that's another story. I decided to go through her e-mail today (I do this every once in a while, I log into her e-mail address, which is still active in case anyone ever is looking for her), and I need to stop doing that because it makes me sad to see the e-mails she wrote to me while I was in college.

My mom was *always* proud of me. I mean, I just can't even put into words how proud she was of me. Every one of my mom's friends knew me without ever meeting me because she talked about me all the time, apparently. At her funeral and viewing, so many people came up to me that I had never met and apparently just knew who I was without ever meeting me before. My mom was always my biggest supporter, and it's been hard to lose that. I feel myself constantly looking for somebody to tell me they are proud of me, and when they do it means more than they realize.

I think she would be proud of me losing weight, as some people have said. And I hope she would be proud of me dancing and doing something I love, and I hope she would be proud of what I've done with my life since she has passed. I'm constantly working on making myself a better person, physically, mentally, spiritually.

Don't really know where I was going with this post, other than to express my gratitude to those who tell me they are proud of me, whether they truly mean it or not.

Wii fit - you know, that thing everyone was going to do to get fit?

2010-07-19T05:17:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling the weight loss more than ever this week, for some reason. My clothes are definitely getting looser and I just feel smaller in general. My face has really slimmed down too. This weekend, I went out to a nearby horse track with a bunch of family I haven't seen in a while, some since my wedding. Everybody commented on how much smaller I looked. That's a good feeling. Even though my grandfather thinks I should weigh 90lbs (his words...). I almost feel ashamed. Isn't that terrible? I'm doing so well, my health is getting better by the day, but I feel ashamed that I lost weight once before, gained it back, and have to lose it again. I feel like that makes me look like less of a person in their eyes. I shouldn't let their comments get to me, but they do.

So, anyway....since I was feeling so good, I hopped on the Wii Fit this weekend. My (now) husband bought it for me one Christmas a few years ago when it came out. It is a lot of fun. I don't really know if it helps to improve your balance or anything but it claims to. The yoga stretches are pretty relaxing. Well, I didn't realize that it has been so long since I stepped on it before (the batteries were dead and needed changing, so that was a clue)... but I was excited to see it tell me that I've lost a bunch of weight! I guess I wanted the reassurance that the scale upstairs wasn't lying to me and that I have, in fact, lost about 30 lbs.

I was so excited I had to take some pictures:

From Weight Loss

Hmm...the wii fit scale seems to say I weigh less than the upstairs scale does! I think I like this one better.

I was bad about going to the gym last week. I don't have a good excuse, other than it was an insanely busy week, but I did get exercise in via dance. I know it's not as great as being on the elliptical or treadmill for 30mins, but it is something. I did try to run again last week on the treadmill. I did well but man I was sore the next two days. This morning, I hopped on the elliptical for a little bit, and bumped up the resistance as far as I could take it (about 9). I might have been able to bump it up more if I stayed on the machine longer, but wanted to go do my arm weights. I feel like that will be a great workout for my legs and plan on doing that on my arm weight days this week. Switching it up :)

A great show!

2010-07-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Last night was my first bellydance public performance since last August. I think it went really well. And I feel like, for the first time, I looked and felt good while I was up there. And I knew it, I knew when I started to lose weight that it would improve my dance a lot. Because I would feel more confident. I wouldn't be afraid that everyone was looking at how fat I am. And of course they aren't but losing weight has made that go away. I feel good. Here's the video to prove it! Sorry it was a little dark in there, I even brightened the video so it looks a little washed out :\ it was taken on a camera phone. next month's will be better, I'll make them use my actual video camera. The song is "Now we are Free" from the Gladiator soundtrack (written by Hans Zimmer, sang by Lisa Gerard). I love the song. It just tells me that everything is going to be alright.

I weigh 197.4 this morning. Less than I have in years, still. My lowest weight yet in months. I'm going to boycott the scale for the next week. I'm a scale addict. It's easy for me to weigh myself a few times each morning. Well, not this week. I'd like to wake up to a nice surprise next friday after losing a couple pounds over the next week. Hopefully. And I don't want to worry about weight fluctuations. And yes it can be discouraging. I'm planning on putting the scale under the bed. I know it's not going to be easy. The first thing I want to do when I wake up after eating well the day before is get on the scale. It's like a drug. I NEED to see where I am at and I crave that feeling of seeing a lower number. I know that can't be good. I did it last time I lost weight a few years ago. But I know it's a habit I should break, because yes, it can be discouraging if it appears I'm gaining weight back, like it did last weekend. It looked like I was back over 200 for a bit there but I think it was water weight. Ahh. I'll never understand that. How can the scale tell me I'm 207.4 one minute then 207.6 after using the bathroom and not changing clothes/eating anything? Did .2 lbs of space dust fall on me in the past few minutes??? I'll never get it. I guess it's just the scale being sensitive? Who knows. All I know is that I'm in "onderland" and I'm heading farther and farther away from that dreaded 200lbs. Slowly, but I'm getting away. I'm doing well! Although I feel a little disappointed that I'm not losing weight rapidly, maybe I need to get that out of my head too. It's ok to lose weight slowly, a pound or two a week isn't bad. It's probably healthier than losing it rapidly anyway. And I wasn't too terribly big to start with but I don't want to deal with loose skin either. I didn't last time, so I'm not worried about it this time either.

I can't wait to see what I'll look like in a few months.

Water park

2010-07-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to our nearby water park, Water Country USA (Williamsburg, VA). I love that place. It's so much fun. I've been there many, many times over the years and probably have ridden every ride they have at least 20 times each.

I always didn't mind going to WC. I felt like every time I went there in the past, there was always a surplus of large people in small bathing suits. So, feeling good about my weight loss, I decided to be brave and spend the day in a two piece:

It wasn't a bikini or anything, but it did cover my upper thighs a little and I felt like I looked good in it.

For reference, here is me about 20 lbs heavier:

I did spend the day feeling relatively good about myself. And after wandering around the park the whole day, I got a little less self conscious about wearing it. But my mind was definitely busy the whole time - standing in line, I would think about how I would react to someone if they told me that I was too fat to wear it. My response would be to point at all the guys wearing no shirt with their guts hanging out. For some reason that is acceptable but it's not acceptable for me to wear a two piece and I look ok in it? Of course, this was all in my head, and nobody said anything to me. I was actually expecting stares and people commenting on how I looked, which they may have without me hearing, but I didnt notice anything. And that was pretty cool. A nice reminder that my self criticism is all in my head.

A small note...

2010-07-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

Last night at dance class, I was feeling rather down about myself. Watching my reflection in the mirror while I danced, I felt disgusted. I felt fat. And because of this, I didn't want to give practice my all. Eventually I sucked it up and did better, but I was starting to feel really down there.

I think it was the angle of the mirrors. And the unflattering shirt I was wearing.

But regardless...it makes me think. I've lost almost 30lbs and I still feel like I did when I weighed 224! Of course, I say that now, and I'm sure that if I were to somehow magically straddle time and feel myself in my body then and now I would know the difference. But it seems that I am almost as unhappy with my body as I was a few months ago. It shouldn't be like this. It makes me wonder when I will be *happy* with my body again. And part of me feels like I should be happier with myself than I currently am. I mean, people have noticed and commented, so that's got to be worth something. Maybe I'm just getting used to this new weight loss. Or maybe it was just a bad night and an unflattering reflection in the mirror. But geez, I feel like I'm fat now, and a few months ago I weighed 30lbs more. It doesn't seem that far away. I want to get as FAR AWAY from that 224lbs as I can!!!

If nothing else, it motivates me to want to lose MORE and get to that point of happiness with my body.

Like I mentioned before, It will be interesting to compare my thoughts when I am 180. I felt good at 180 a few years ago. Not 100% happy of course, but good. I need to work hard to get there. And beyond.

Back to full time

2010-07-08T06:38:00.001-07:00

Back to full time work this week instead of part time. It's been rough on my gym schedule, since I have to be at work a half hour earlier, and am leaving so much later. The extra money is great and much needed but the hours are taking a little adjusting. Feel like I'm getting into the swing of it today, though.

Tyler at 344 Pounds had a great post Tuesday about how most of us get off track during the holiday weekend (the 4th). I mean, it's the 4th...cookouts, steaks, hot dogs, and all around unhealthy food. But even though we had a few days where we weren't as active as we should be and definitely didn't stick to the diet, it's not the end of the world. It's just a few days out of many, and we need to...STICK TO IT!

For some reason, Tuesday was a rough diet day for me. I don't really know why. I was craving everything under the sun and was hungry all day, even after eating. I remember talking to my mom about this a few years back...about how girls just have a hungry day once in a while. When you can eat everything in sight and still want more. We came to the conclusion that it must be hormones. The worst one I had was about a week after I started birth control. I -could not- stop eating that day. It was horrible. I was hungry all day. And I'm taking a break from the pills (that I've been on for 5 years) right now so perhaps that contributed to my crazy cravings, but I'm doing much better yesterday and today.

So as of today I am still in "onderland"...I was hoping to be down a little more by tomorrow but as long as I'm here, I know what I need to do.

BTW - I'm going to a water park this weekend and cannot WAIT!!!!

Sticking to it

2010-06-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

See...my goal sheet. taped onto my monitor at work, right where I have to look at it everyday.

I've lost a good bit so far. And in order to lose the rest, I need to stick to it. I'm inspired to do this for many reasons, but the phrase "stick to it" comes from two of the most important people in my life: mom and dad.

Mom

My mom died last year and while going through her purse, she had the phrase "stick to it!" written on a popsicle stick. It was a nice reminder of her humor. I saved the stick, and considered putting it in my purse as well but I'd be afraid of getting it stolen or something and then it would be gone. I know it's just a stick, but still. Every time I utter the phrase "stick to it," I'm reminded of that popsicle stick, and my mom. She dieted her whole life. I don't want to do that. She was never happy enough with her body. I need to stick to losing this weight, then stick to keeping it off.

(side note: the name of this blog was coined by my mom. Please don't steal it!)

Dad

My dad was a smoker for his whole life. I don't even want to know how many packs he was up to when he quit. And why did he quit? Well, he's in his 50s, and probably has health issues from smoking so much. But he quit because his health insurance costs were going to skyrocket after a certain age. *sigh* Love my dad to death, but although that's a good reason to quit, it shouldn't be the ONLY reason. Ah well. Anyway, I greatly admire my dad for so many reasons. He always has been and always will be superman to me. He knows everything, can do anything, and is amazingly precise and perfect with everything he does. He can look at the sun and tell you within 10 minutes what time it is. He's amazing. So when he said he was going to quit, he was stubborn enough to do it. I think he's been a few months without picking up a cigarette, which is pretty amazing. He just stopped. After I don't know HOW many years of smoking. I need to have that kind of determination. To just DO IT. And I have been, but I need to keep it up. Sticking to it.

Welcome to Onderland

2010-06-30T05:47:00.001-07:00

Isn't that what all the cool kids are calling it when you get down past 200..."onderland?" I weighed myself this morning and was 199.6. What?? No plateau? I was really expecting to have gained weight last night. I made homemade pizza for my husband (but no dessert or anything else), so I was really expecting to stay the same, but nope. Apparently not! I really couldn't believe it. I've always plateaued getting past each 10 lbs. Maybe I finally got the hang of it...eat a little more than I have been and it pushed me over. But let's see what happens in the next few days.

Also, according to the skinnyr.com graph, my BMI has now gone from "very overweight" to just "overweight." Umm...cool! It has gone from approximately 36.15 to to 32.22. That's good, right? I don't really get that whole BMI thing, I'm more interested in the pounds, but it's nice to see that drop as well.

So even though I've finally made it past the 200lb mark (but just barely) it doesn't feel as great as I thought it would. Weird. I mean, I've been looking forward to getting down past 200 for some time now, and I'm happy I've done what I've done, but it just makes me think that I have that much farther to go. For most of my life, I was never above 200...I always tried to promise myself that 200 would be as high as I would ever get but I eventually stopped paying attention and before I knew it I was 220 and rising. I NEVER WANT TO BE THERE AGAIN. I really don't ever want to be above 200 ever again. I hate having to twist and turn my body in the mirror to make myself appear thinner just for a second. I want to lose the weight once and for all and not have to worry about looking fat anymore.

I AM GETTING SKINNY.

And I think it's permanent this time.

I really honestly feel that way. I feel much more conscious about what I'm eating, calorie content, exercise, etc. I feel older and wiser, much more so than the last time I lost a lot of weight (high school). Looking back, I don't really know why I did it. I guess I just wanted to be popular, have people notice me, think I was pretty, and probably a boyfriend wouldn't have hurt. That might have been a big motivation. But I feel like my reasons are so much more meaningful now, and I really need to be conscious of my weight and health. I'm not getting younger and I need to always be mindful of my weight and eating habits from now on. I think my difference will be that I take my health much more seriously now than I did at 17.

Though in a way, part of me is glad that I gained that weight back...because now I get to lose it again and have people congratulate me and be happy for me. Isn't that pathetic. Haha.

When I lose this weight, I plan to start seeing a nutritionist to help maintain it. And if I can budget it, I want to start sessions with a personal trainer (though that can be quite expensive). There's a girl who probably weighs as much as I do (but shorter) at the gym some mornings and she meets with this personal trainer who looks like he's working her out HARD. I think I need that. I don't know if I'm ready for it yet, but he seems really nice and friendly too so I think I'd like to request him. I don't know his name or anything unfortunately, but I'm a long ways away from being able to afford a personal trainer right now anyway.

Had my last hypnosis appointment yesterday. I feel like hypnosis helped me a lot with my picky eating, exercise, and reasons for losing weight. I gave my therapist a long list of changes that have occurred in my life in just the past few months and I meant it. A lot has changed. And I feel good about being on track. I might be able to check in every once in a while with him, and if I backtrack on my progress I can go back and get help.

In-between Sophomore and Junior years of college I lost about 20 lbs. I went from 200 to 180. I felt good at 180. I remember going to a Target and looking in the mirror after trying on a cute tank top (think I bought it and wore it once, because I gained all the weight back really quickly) and looking really good in it. I also have a picture of myself at a state fair looking pretty awesome at 180 in my house that I can see every day. I want to be there again. I guess I need to focus on getting there rather than my ultimate goal of about 130-140. Because that seems really far away.

So I'm going to set a goal for myself (might have done this before): I want to be 180 by my dance recital on August 7th! That is 5 weeks from Saturday. Can I lose 20 lbs in 5 weeks? I think I can. I need to stick to it and I can do it. If I REALLY stick to it, I could maybe even lose more. There. Done. I'm putting it on my office monitor and I'm going to look at it every day. I need to stay on track.

In addition, long term, I want to lose all the weight by Christmas. Again, totally doable. If I stick to it. It needs to be done.

2010-06-29T07:42:00.001-07:00

I just can't get over the fact that I'm not out of breath going up the stairs at work anymore. I did it today...it actually felt GOOD! How weird is that? Going up stairs felt good? Maybe I was just so happy that I wasn't out of breath at all. A few months ago when I would take the stairs at work (3rd floor) I would stop when I got to the 3rd floor landing so I didn't walk into the office out of breath in case someone needed to talk to me. Now it's not a problem. Awesome.

My work has me going back to full time next week. I'll need to change around my gym schedule a bit since I'll be coming in 30 minutes earlier. I might need to get to the gym a little earlier. Can I get up at 5 or 5:15? I don't know. Some days it's hard to wake up even at 7 or 8. haha. But I think if I just do it, then I'll get into the habit and it will be ok. Maybe I need to go to bed a little earlier.

2010-06-28T05:40:00.001-07:00

So this morning, I'm at 201.8. The lowest I've been since about early-mid 2008 probably, or perhaps even before that.

I was really afraid I had gained weight back over vacation, which, by the way, was AWESOME. I got to go white water rafting on the New river in WV, which was an incredible experience. It was fun, dangerous, and a perfect day for it. The water felt really nice. I even got thrown off the raft once, which was actually fun and not scary like I thought it might be. I'm surprised at my ability to not panic when that happened, but it was so sudden and unexpected that I don't think I really knew what to think. The next day, we went to some caverns (and a self guided tour of them. Pretty cool! It was a small cave area to explore but was fun) and hiked down to an overlook that was overlooking the river we rafted down. Very cool. I was pleased with myself - I can tell a huge difference between my fitness level now and a few months ago. I think the cardio I have been doing has made a big difference - I'm not nearly as winded going up stairs (and I climbed a LOT of stairs between the caverns and the overlook) as I used to be. I almost didn't go down to the overlook because there were SO many stairs going down, you couldn't even see the bottom of them from the top. But I ended up doing it, and coming back up was definitely getting me a little tired, but I couldn't imagine doing that a few months ago. That's a good feeling.

I'm thinking of starting a calorie log. Planning to do some research online to see if I can find one online somewhere. I'd rather not put it in my blog because I'd rather leave this to my feelings and experiences rather than numbers.

Also, since I'm now down to 201, I updated my skinnyr graph to reflect my next goal: 180. Hopefully I can make it there quicker than I did to 201. As long as I stick to it, I will be fine. Since I'm down to 201, that means I have lost 23 lbs.

And strangely, I think this is the first weekend ever that I've lost weight both Saturday and Sunday. It's amazing how seeing even a tiny loss on the scale in the morning is such a huge motivating factor.

2010-06-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

No change in weight this week. I've only gotten to the gym once this week. I'd like to think of it as a lazy week, but I've been pretty active outside of the gym. I had a dance workshop Sunday which was AWESOME and class on Wednesday. Then I was going to hit the gym this morning but got really sick last night around midnight. I think I ate something bad for dinner...But I'm feeling fine now, thank goodness.

I've got a busy weekend coming up. We're headed to West Virginia for a few days and I'm planning on doing lots of physical activity - hiking, caving, swimming...it should be interesting. Planning on bringing lots of healthy foods to keep the diet up at the same time. I'll be back Tuesday and might weigh myself then to see if there's any change.

Clothes.

2010-06-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

Had a good workout today. I feel like when I do beyond a full 30 mins of cardio I feel like I really did well that day. It's hard since I'm doing weights 3 of the 5 days I'm at the gym, because those days I don't have enough time to do 30 mins on the elliptical.

Oh yea, back to 204.2 this morning. Works for me. Maybe I'll finally get back down to 200 in the next week? It's totally possible. I just have to keep at it. Once I get to 194, I'll be able to say I lost 30 lbs. That's a lot.

Wearing a pair of work pants today that I think I need to get rid of soon. They really are just way too big on me. Like, falling off big. And don't have belt loops so that's out. They're a target brand size 18 so hopefully that means I have dropped a dress size. I guess I could SEW belt loops on, but I got them on clearance, and I've never really liked them all that much anyway, they're hard to match with tops.
The thing about clothes with me - I have a lot of clothes, but many I don't wear because they dont fit, or I don't find them comfortable. I usually wear the same stuff on weekends and during the workdays from week to week. I've never been fashion saavy. and even when I was thinner, I still wore some of the same stuff. Though I went shopping more often.
But with my work pants right now...I only have a few pairs. And I just rotate through them. I really don't want to have to buy new ones but looks like I will need to. Usually, it's tough finding pants to fit me that are also comfortable (I think work clothes are very uncomfortable) but hopefully that will continue to be less of a problem as I lose more weight. I really want to take a trip to Ross to look around but then I start to think - ugh, shopping costs money. Haha. And I just don't want to spend money on clothes!

Last night I had an ice cream bar, that was 300 calories. That's a lot for ice cream. I felt really guilty about it. But I really shouldn't have felt guilty about it, because I had enough calories for it, and I still lost weight even though it was my dessert yesterday! I've lost 20 lbs and I've been eating things I like to eat. Just less often. And working out to make up for it. I think I can keep this up. I don't want to get back up to where I was again. I know after I have kids that I will gain weight again but that's a few years away. I can deal with that when the time comes. But I won't ever be back to 224 lbs. I hated my body. I'm still not happy with my body at 204. But I'm working so that I will be happy.

2010-06-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

My scale on Friday morning WAS off! I got to the doctor's and it said 205.8 (Said 206.8 at home). It was nice, because they compared my weight, and the nurse thought it was wrong but then congratulated me for losing weight.

Saturday was the renaissance faire. I went with some good friends and the hubby, and for the first time ever in many years (outside of bellydance performances) I bared my midriff in public and didn't care that much! Nobody seemed to be repulsed, and I got a few compliments even. It was pretty awesome. My tummy still isn't small by any means but it was really a nice feeling. :)

This week I'm going to plan my dinners out. If I don't lose weight for the day, it's either because I'm plateauing or I ate too much for dinner. It's been happening a lot lately. So I figure if I plan my meals out and make the calories measurable, I'll do much better.

Tonight: Pasta (1 serving) and tomato sauce. + dessert (sherbert ice cream or 100 calorie popcorn with spray butter, zero calories)
Wednesday night: Boiled eggs + ?? (whatever I can fill the rest of the calories with)
Thursday night: ?
Friday night: Homemade pizza (super thin crust, more sauce, minimal cheese)

Haven't decided on thursday yet.

I did weigh myself this morning. 206.4 if I recall correctly. It's June. I need to get back into this.

Ugh

2010-06-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

So I got on the scale this morning after feeling pretty confident about having done ok this week and it looks like I have gained a little back. 206. Not much but it's very disappointing. I don't really get it either. My stomach feels flatter than it has in years, and I feel good, I feel good about the way I'm starting to look. Maybe it's water weight? Maybe it's muscle? I have started to do arm weights twice a week, and as of yesterday, I'm taking two dance classes a week + practice at home (and trying to join a troupe soon!).

So with that said...I'm feeling motivated to do better this weekend. In the past few weeks, I'm really noticing my eating habits getting even better. I'm much more aware of what I'm eating, how much, the calories, etc. And I haven't done any sort of snacking at home, mostly because there is nothing TO snack on.

Some changes I want to make for next week:
- Start to replace english muffins in the morning with oatmeal (any good oatmeal tips? I can't for the life of me figure out a way to make it tasty)
- Have a banana after the gym every morning to keep me less hungry before lunch
- add carrot sticks in the lunch
- start some meal plans for dinner (which is usually where I have my largest meal and therefore too many calories).

I might just continue to weigh myself over the weekend. Just to maybe get a better sense of where I'm really at and if that high number I saw this morning was for real. I hope it's not but if it is, I just need to work harder to get to my short term goal. *sigh*

2010-05-27T05:52:00.000-07:00

Yay another 2 lbs gone! This morning I was at 203. Horray!

Things about myself I noticed this morning:
- I can feel my stomach has gotten just a LITTLE bit smaller.
- One of my shirts that was usually tight around my stomach is a little looser!
- Running was not as hard today as it has been in the past. I did my one bellydance song length of running and didn't feel like I was going do die.
- I'm not as hungry now eating 1200 calories as I used to be. 1200 calories is fine. I spread it out throughout the day and I have few ravenous moments, if any.

Last night I was watching my last bellydance recital tape (from last August). I was just horrified at how big I look. I think the costume I wore was less than flattering too, and only made me look bigger. I made my husband come over and tell me that I look better now than I did then! I certainly should. I mean, I was 20 lbs heavier then. Ugh. I could barely watch my recital piece, I was just so mortified. I also watched some of my previous recitals and shows (I have only performed in 4 shows so far, only have 3 taped) and I just feel like most of my performances haven't been that great. Sure, I've only performed a handful of times, but I really want to make this next one great.

So in addition to my solo I'm also doing a duet with someone else from my class :) I'm way excited about that and it will give me some extra motivation to get practicing more!

I'm not looking to get fit to run marathons. I read a lot of blogs where people are running marathons now. I think that's amazing. Running is ok. But My main motivation is dance. I want to dance! I think I'm supposed to dance. Not just bellydance - everything!

Bellydance tonight

2010-05-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I dropped a ton of money on a gorgeous bellydance dress the other day?

Probably, but I want to write about it a little more. I didn't go shopping to spend a ton of money. Really, I just wanted to go get a skirt maybe and some CDs, maybe a sword so I can start practicing that. But something called to me from the dress rack...and I was like, hmm....maybe I'll try some on! So the first one I tried on was this gorgeous black and red number (these dresses go down to the feet, are quite form fitting, and just amazingly beautiful). It was so pretty but just didn't zip up in the back. I think I tried on pretty much every dress she had until I came to the one I bought. It's a halter dress, and golden and tan. Just beautiful. It seems to look really good on me. And fits, which is a plus (Except for the bra clasp, but the dress is so tight right now I don't *really* need it).

I really can't wait to wear it for my performance. I've thought about this weight that I'm losing and I feel like I'll still be able to fit into it better, but *hopefully* the day will come that it will be too big for me. Then maybe I can sell it to a fellow dancer :)

I have dance class tonight. I think it's our last one of the session, so that means no dance class next week :/ Well, that's ok. I need to get started on practicing my choreography more, anyway.

inching towards 200

2010-05-25T05:40:00.000-07:00

I added a new weigh-in record to my graph today: 205.8. That's the lowest I have had on there so far. It's pretty cool to look at 3/23 and see 218.4 and think, that was two months ago - I should have lost more weight since then, but still, over 10 lbs is still pretty good.

I am still unhappy with the way I look, and I still feel really big and fat. I know I was close to 220 just a few months ago, and I have a hard time comprehending being nearly 20 lbs heavier just such a short while ago. Did I feel heavier? I just don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. Will I feel better another 20lbs from now? And if I do, I won't be able to tell! I guess it's like the hubby said - I've lost weight *all* over, not just in one area, so I guess 20 lbs all over might not be that much? I dunno. I'm just looking forward to reaching 200. and beyond. It's only another 5 lbs to go, and that just doesn't seem that difficult much to me. To me, 5 lbs is nothing. I feel like somedays, I am 5 lbs heavier, and somedays 5 lbs lighter. Maybe weight fluctuations will be less, and feel less, when I lose some of this weight? or most of this weight? we shall see.

This weekend I went swimming at the gold's gym thats a little further away from our house, more like 30 mins instead of 15. the lap pool was bigger than i thought, and for a good while i had it to myself, but eventually some guy came in and sat on the edge of the pool (in another lane). I kept doing my laps, and was doing just fine, and after a few laps I noticed he had not gotten in the water and seemed to be staring at me. It was creepy so I got out, and scurried off to take a shower. As creepy as it was, I would like to think that it was because I looked good in a swimsuit but I know that isn't the case, because I DONT look good in a swimsuit (yet!), and even if i did, he couldn't have seen anything because I was in the water! It is kind of frustrating, when, on those rare occasions, someone looks at me or flirts with me. I just know its a joke. Nobody flirts with fat girls, come on! So it always gets me thinking, then that gets me down.

But that aside, I did look a LITTLE better in the swimsuit than I did when I wore it last in the Bahamas, in November! I think, anyway. :) I wonder how much weight I can lose by Friday.

I can feel a small increase in my overall energy.

A good day

2010-05-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

Having a good day today. Feeling motivated and good. I felt really good at the gym. Still didn't lose any more weight yet but I will get to 200 eventually. :) And beyond.

Had a good session with the hypnotherapist yesterday. I wanted to talk about my confidence (or lack of) and being able to practice my dance more. I think it helped a lot. I practiced my routine at home last night a little bit and want to do some more tonight too.

I don't think I mentioned this - my dad is going to an adventure park in a few weeks with his wife and some of her siblings, and my hubby and I are going to go along. I'm getting really excited about it. A few days outdoors, riding ATVs, rafting, fishing...it sounds amazing and I can't wait! I'm starting to feel like I'll be in reasonable shape to go but I want to push myself a little more at the gym to be in the best shape I can be in a short period. Well, I mean I've been working to get in better shape for months now but I want to continue to push myself, and maybe even more than I have been, so I can not seem out of shape at this adventure park.

Sunscreen on the back of my hand smells so good. Smells like summer :) I'm so weird! haha.

Back on Track

2010-05-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like my dieting and exercise and weight loss has gotten back on track. I'm at 206.4 as of this morning. I keep kicking myself because I know that if I had continually eaten what I need to lose weight every day for the past few weeks, I'd be down a lot lower. But at the same time...I was 224 in October, and 220 in January! So, looking at just the numbers, that's almost 20 lbs since October. Which is a lot. And I don't feel like it's been that difficult, I just had been going back to old habits a little bit. Ive had these habits for 24 years so it will take me a while to break but I really do believe that hypnotherapy has helped me tremondously. I believe that if I hadn't started it, I would be the absolute same person I was in October - eating whatever, whenever. Now, I'm so much more conscious of why I need to lose weight, and that my picky eating is really a problem that I'm working on changing and doing well with it. I'd still be at 220 or more if I hadn't started hypnotherapy.

Today is appointment number 9. Second to last. I think I will miss it when I'm gone. It's given me someone to be accountable to. But hopefully I can keep going just as well after the appointments.

I'm doing better at the gym. Today I started that thing I talked about - running the length of a bellydance song. I started running on the treadmill this morning and completely finished the song, then kept running for another two minutes. I tried to get through the song twice, and almost made it, but just was too tired. But after a few minutes of walking, I jogged for another few minutes. I feel like I've never had a sweatier day at the gym :/ it seems so pathetic, only being able to jog for a few minutes, but I'm getting better. It's getting a little easier to jog for a bit longer, but not much. Listening to my bellydance song, I was almost tempted to get off the treadmill, kick off my shoes and start dancing. I REALLY wanted to. But I didn't. I'm still WAY too shy and self conscious to practice at the gym. I want to be able to one day. Very much. But I just don't have the confidence yet.

Oh also...I bought some sunscreen. I was in CVS sniffing all the bottles for the one that smelled the strongest. I put some on my hands this morning. So when I have the urge to eat something without caring about the calories, I'll sniff my hand. I guess that makes me a weirdo, haha, but hopefully it will help remind me that it's more important to have a healthy life and feel good about myself than it is to enjoy a moment of tasty food.

At the gym again

2010-05-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

I'm getting a little less self conscious about jogging on the treadmill. I'm still a little afraid that people are judging me by the amount of time I am ABLE to jog. I know thats ridiculous, but I'm at least not too afraid to jog around others...though I would still prefer not to.

I would have thought that I'd see a better increase in my ability to jog for longer more quickly. It seems not, though. I still can only jog for a few minutes at a time before I'm just feeling too tired to continue and just want to STOP. It's hard to push myself for a set period of time because I really just want to stop. I think I'm too heavy to keep it up. Jogging would be easier if I wasn't so heavy I'm sure. So what I'm planning on doing now is jogging to the length of a song (like a bellydance song, like my recital piece which is about 4 minutes long). Then afterwards I can slow back to a walk. And if I cool down enough and feel like going again, I can (which I did, once). I mean, I really want to be able to have the stamina to make my recital piece look good (and the moves aren't as strenuous as jogging for the entire length) so maybe this is a good idea for me for now. until I can start jogging longer and not worrying about it.

I'm also thinking that I need to start making veggies the main portion of my dinners. I think that will help me a lot. I'm planning to go to the store tonight to get some for each meal this week. I've been bad about eating them in the past few weeks so I need to get back into it. I have a hypnotherapy appt on Thursday (number 9 I think) which I need. I'm getting back into the habit of eating well for breakfast/lunch but dinner is where I have the issues. I don't keep up the dieting for dinner and it just repeats itself. I mean, thats a habit I've had for the past few years so It's not going to be easy to break, I just need to work at it more. sigh.

Also, this weekend I bought a gorgeous dress for my recital (august 7th). I already have some bellydance costumes...I have the traditional bra/belt/skirt set, and a few other mix and match pieces...but I made a trip to the warehouse store yesterday (they have everything bellydance!) and, just for the heck of it, tried on a beautiful dress. IT WAS GORGEOUS and looked great on me but just didn't zip up in the back all the way. Tried on a few more and had the same issue. Curse my wide chest area! It's not even my breasts....its more my back. and shoulder area. I really didn't think I'd find one that worked for me. but I did! It's gold and has a few strands of leopard print (which isn't something I usually like) but it looks so nice. It was pricey, definitely, but it covers me completely and I just love it. I don't have to think about my belly poking out. It still does a little since the dress is tight, but its covered so at least thats something off my mind as i dance. I can't wait to post pictures of my recital :)

Losing weight for my future

2010-05-12T06:09:00.000-07:00

I want to lose weight so I can have a healthy pregnancy in the future.

I really do believe that one of my main purposes in life is to be a mom some day. I do have to admit...with so many of my friends being pregnant right now (it feels like half my facebook friends are expecting!!), the 'baby bug' hits me every now and again. It's certainly not something I want to rush into (and I know my hubby won't be ready for another couple years) but it is something I've thought about more and more as I've gotten older. I'm only 25...but I do worry that when the time comes, something will go wrong.

That's something I'm trying to keep in mind through this weight loss adventure...I HAVE to lose weight because I want to have kids one day, and I probably have a higher chance of a miscarriage or something if I'm too overweight. Plus, I never seem to see pictures or anything of overweight pregnant people. Everyone is always that little "cute" pregnant. I want to be cute pregnant, when the time comes.

but i dont plan on that time being too soon. i want to enjoy time with my husband, because i love being pretty carefree and having the ability to be spontaneous right now. a kid will change all that, and i wont have the freedom i do now, but that will be ok when the time comes because i'll have other wonderful things to focus my attention on.

i guess that's just one reason that i really need to keep up this weight loss, and stay serious about it. its for my health and the health of my future family. i have to take care of myself. and since it wont happen for a while, thats a good thing, because i'll need that time to get down to a good weight and start to maintain it. then i can gain some back with pregnancy i guess but i'll still be healthy.

just my ramblings for this morning.

Getting back into it.

2010-05-11T06:38:00.001-07:00

I haven't weighed myself lately because I'm afraid of what I will see. Which is ridiculous. But there you have it.

Today, I'm wearing some work pants that I bought because they fit. I didn't buy them because I liked them, I bought them because they fit and were comfortable. Because of my oddly shaped body, most of the pants I buy are tight around the waist and stomach, and loose in the hips and thighs. So pants tend to look sort of baggy on me when they might be too tight for my stomach. I hate that about myself. Curse this large stomach of mine! I think womens pants are designed for people with larger hips and a smaller waist. Not so for me. I wish I had bigger hips. Isn't that a weird thing to wish for? I wish some of this fat on my stomach would just, I dunno, slide down to my hips. I feel like I would look so much more...NORMAL if that were to happen. Pants would finally fit right, too! I think my weird shape is part of the reason I don't really wear jeans. Jeans have never fit me right. I have one pair, and a pair of shorts, and thats it. They've never fit right. Oh well. Something I have to deal with I guess.

Been getting back into the gym this week. I've had two very unenthusiastic workouts the past few days. I've just been so tired in the mornings, its hard to be motivated. I want to go back to sleep. I have been reading a really interesting book that I love, so I've been taking that with me to read at the gym. I see people reading magazines and stuff, why can't I? So I've brought the book and read it on the elliptical a little bit yesterday and today. It's not really comfortable but it's possible. I also tried out the sitting bike thing in the women's area. that's good for reading, too, and I feel like my legs get a decent workout on that. Maybe I'll get back to (trying to) run later this week.

One dietary change I've made lately is that I haven't bought any real butter. I love real butter, but at home I'm trying to switch to the smart balance blend (I already use the margarine in the tub for english muffins) which says it's 50/50. It's a good substitute since its healthier, and I like to bake breads and things. so that's a good thing I suppose.

Well, there's my update for the week. I wanted to set myself an upcoming goal of 205 for this week or next. To make me get back into the losing weight thing. And I might be getting a new car this weekend, so I want to look good driving around in it :)

On dancing

2010-05-07T05:44:00.000-07:00

All my life, I've loved to dance. I remember when I was little, my mom would put on the nutcracker or sleeping beauty ballet (on betamax!) in the living room, and I would watch, and pretend I was the star and dance around. The catch is, that I would NEVER dance if anyone was in there with me. So I banished my mom to the kitchen or somewhere else in the house. I remember she came back in and I think I probably got mad because nobody was allowed to watch me dance.

You know, I think for the first time in my life, as I type this, I don't really understand why that was the case. I was not overweight as a child, until my mom and dad divorced and we moved. But this was before that. I took ballet lessons, I know that much. Why didn't I want people watching me? I don't know. I'll probably never know.

Anyway, I feel sort of the same today. How weird is that? I mean, in dance class I'm fine, and I can perform in front of strangers. But I can't practice at the gym. and I'm even hesitant to practice in my own little room upstairs - my "dance studio." After my mom died (and I stayed in the same house), I still haven't moved into her room, which is the master bedroom. For a long while, I just didn't want to, but now that I've gotten rid of her bed and a lot of her stuff, I'll probably be moving into it after our big yard sale in a few weeks. Right now, though, it's my dance studio. I went out to Home Depot last summer and bought about 5 large mirrors. And they are pretty big. I like them because it makes my room feel like a real dance studio. they aren't mounted on the wall since i'll probably be moving them into the second bedroom in the next few months, and because i'm really afraid to mount them. I think i might just stick them on the molding at the bottom of the wall.

But I digress. I have a recital coming up on Aug 7. Yeah, its three months away (from today!) but I want my recital piece to be good. I've been doing a lot of research into learning some new combination moves (putting two basic moves together) and layers (doing two moves at the same time - ack, coordination!). So far, my choreographies that I've come up with have been pretty plain, I feel like (maybe I will link the videos soon...they're currently on youtube, my username is icedteagirl). So I'm trying to make it better. And I need to start practicing it soon if I really want to perfect it. Yeah I have three months but I feel like they go by pretty quickly when it comes to practicing, because i procrastinate.

For some reason, I have a problem with practicing myself. It's like, I don't feel confident. And I'm embarassed to tape myself or watch myself in the mirror. Weird, huh? Not only can't other people see me practice, I can't even watch MYSELF practice. I guess its a weird quirk I have that I wish I could get over because I'm not going to perfect this piece if I don't practice. So I might try tonight. Because I'm kind of excited about this performance piece. And it's good exercise :)